I screwed up a batch of cookies tonight because I wasn’t paying attention. I mean, there is no bad cookie, per se. So of course I am still eating the defective batch. But I’m annoyed.
And this annoyance led to my first spiked egg nog of the season. That’s right, folks: I hereby declare The Egg Nog Restraint Period to be over. Have at it, I say.
But not this way: Not by purchasing the low fat egg nog that I picked up. I had heard it was pretty good on Twitter. But this was clearly tweeted either by a) undercover members of The Low Fat Egg Nog Association, or b) very drunk people who put a near-fatal dose of rum in there and didn’t know the difference.
Then I spilled the crappy low-fat-but-still-heavily-spiked egg nog on the holiday cards I was addressing. So, my husband and I will now be known as the people who send out cards with photos of their kids who smell like booze. Awesome. I think that works particularly well with the season’s greetings we’ve now sent to P’s boss and colleagues.
All of this occurred after 11:30pm. But, in the first 16 hours of my day, I was a rock star. Mostly because I survived both the UPS Store and the Post Office today. Back to back. That’s serious business, people.
And then I single handedly revived the economy and increased consumer confidence. Like this:
–First, Starbucks. There were gift cards to purchase. Mainly for me, so that I can still visit after my Keurig arrives. No, I’m kidding {mostly}. The gift cards were, in fact, for others. But I totally threw the cashier off his game with my purchase. He was clearly wondering why I was not there to consume my weight in steamed milk and espresso.
–Then, more gift cards at a department store. What’s with all the gift cards, you ask? Am I really such a thoughtless person that I buy generic plastic cards for people? Uh, sometimes, yes. But mainly because we have an army of teachers who deserve a gesture of our thanks. And I mean army. Between my two kids’ pre-schools, we somehow have 13 teachers in the mix. Morning teachers, afternoon teachers, lunch bunch teachers — on and on. They are all lovely — they deserve more than my inconsistent baking, and so the gift card thing. I believe the Dow started to tick up at this point.
–Next, Trader Joe’s. Because I hear that the hot holiday items go quickly and I, for one, am not going to be stuck without a fix of dark chocolate peppermint waffle cookies. Oh and I really wanted to pick up that ill-fated low fat egg nog. And of course there’s the wine section.
–Let’s not forget the 38 pounds of laundry I had to drop off at the wash & fold place while my shiny new washer and dryer sit in my garage, unable to be hooked up for several more years weeks. But the good news is this: Now that the machines are on my property, I can go to the garage and visit with them. We talk about our future together and all the fun we’ll have once the renovation is over, the laundry is restored to its rightful place of glory and the Fordeville Condiment Ban is lifted. Meanwhile, I’m starting to think the laundromat owner is in cahoots with my General Contractor to keep this thing going as long as possible. He practically squeals with delight when he sees me, the dream client: No laundry machines, two young kids and utter desperation for clean clothes and linens.
–After picking my daughter up from the pre-school with 179 teachers, I took her to Target. And that’s when things started to fall apart. You know that shopping fatigue you get after a while, when you don’t even know what you’re looking for anymore? It’s like a combination of dehydration and delirium. Yeah. In the moment, I totally thought that Scotch Tape Christmas tree had a certain artistic je ne sais quoi that someone would love to unwrap and take home. It’s not clear to me at this hour who that someone is. But I think I hit a new personal best at the Target cash register.
So, sorry in advance to family members who get gifts that make no sense. And double sorry if my cards smell like booze. I would offer you a cookie to make it up to you — but perhaps a gift card instead?
From the person who has yet to TAKE the Xmas photo for cards, let alone get to a point of being able to address them, I think a little booze on the card is a nice added bonus. It’s like your own personal scratch and sniff….
We are both *so* children of the 80s. I also thought about the scratch & sniff cards!
I hit that blurry shopping state in BJ’s yesterday evening, where the smell of baking filled the store and kept reminding me that it was close to dinner. I went in for Zyrtec and wrapping tissue paper and spent a few hundred dollars. A plus is that we’re good for cereal and coffee beans for about a year.
Oh no — blurry shopping at a bulk retailer! That’s the worst!