Lawyering Up

NOTICE OF LEGAL ACTION

TO:            Residents of Fordeville

FROM:       Señor, Head Household Pet and Chief Bacon Officer

DATE:         November 2, 2011

SUBJECT:   Options Related to Legal Emancipation

* * *

Please be advised that I have retained an attorney to seek legal emancipation on the basis of breach of contract.

Specifically, we had an agreement pursuant to Halloween 2010 (see Exhibit A) that I would no longer, as a middle aged dog, be subjected to unwanted holiday gear, costumes and the like going forward.

Exhibit A

Following the recent events of Halloween 2011 (see Exhibit B), it has become abundantly clear to me that you have purposefully and flagrantly breached our agreement, at the expense of my personal character.

Exhibit B

If necessary, I am willing to dig up previous examples of the indignities I’ve suffered and further evidence of my costume disdain, like the Santa collar of 2006 or the Señor Halloween costume of 2005, complete with sombrero and cape.  I think you know what photos I mean — and they speak for themselves.

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that and we can settle our differences amicably, based on our past history.

Exhibit C

Because I generally like you, despite the fact that you have brought two human children into the house to live without my consent (see Exhibit C), I am willing to postpone filing for legal emancipation if you agree to meet the following conditions:

–Submit to a restraining order that prohibits you from coming within 100 feet of any pet costuming stores.  Similarly, you agree to block all related websites from your computer.  Holidays included in this demand consist of Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Easter.  {Note:  Sweaters and related canine apparel are generally acceptable, as long as they exude good taste and functionality.  I’d be particularly grateful if you could resurrect my winter faux fur camouflage jacket.}

–Agree to provide me with an acceptable amount of treats — preferably of the bacon or chicken variety — on a twice daily basis.  Said amount will be at my discretion and only overridden if health issues arise.

–Enforce a Zero Tolerance policy with regard to the human children riding me like a pony.

–Allow me to sleep in your bed — all night, every night — despite my snoring, drooling and shedding.

It is my hope and expectation that, given my loyalty and charming personality over the years, you will agree to my conditions without reservation or modification, effective immediately.

My attorney is currently somewhat pre-occupied with a high-profile Hollywood divorce case (something about an absurd 72-day reality TV union), so please feel free to communicate with me directly during my waking hours near my water dish.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

_______________

{Addendum:  October 29, 2012.  It appears I slipped and have violated the terms outlined above, as demonstrated by this weekend’s photos below — soon to be known in the public record as Exhibits D & E, respectively.  The pug and I will be speaking with a mediator as soon as the wrath of Sandy passes.}