Facebook is Broken

 

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

I’m writing today in the hopes you can pass my feedback along to the appropriate member(s) of your team.  I’m not sure if I’m the first to bring this to your attention, but Facebook seems to be broken.

Let me be more specific.

Sure, the site loads and most of the features work just fine.  What I’m concerned about is the clear deficiency in the algorithms your folks are using to suggest what or who I should like going forward.

I’m what you’d call a very engaged user of your product.  I do more than an average amount of liking, commenting, friending and posting.  I know my way around Facebook.  As a result, I presume you have more data on me than I should be reasonably comfortable with — probably including videos of my kids’ births that I didn’t know existed.

That’s the Facebook Circle of Life, right?  I overshare, you glean that data and then use it to point me toward other relevant interests that will deepen the time suck my engagement on your site.

And so, you can imagine my surprise last week when the suggestions you made for me started to seem a little off.

First, you suggested that I friend a former boss.  Come on, Mr. Zuckerberg, you and I both know that she is a sadistic, self-absorbed nightmare and that it took every ounce of restraint I had not to flip her off during her reign of terror.  Do you really think that I want to share any information about my life with her?

OK, fine.  A programming anomaly.  A blip in the secret sauce, I figured.

But then, you suggested I friend the psycho who stole my boyfriend in high school.  For the love of all that is holy, Mr. Zuckerberg!  Surely you have audio of me from tapped phone lines, circa 1989, crying to my friends about losing that guy with the mullet while quoting Naked Eyes’ “Always Something There to Remind Me.”  I was crushed, as you well know.  Maybe you believe in burying the hatchet, but I found this friend suggestion highly insensitive.  It kicked up all kinds of feelings that I wasn’t ready to revisit.

Equally intriguing are the brands/public figures you have recently recommended that I like.

I knew something was amiss when I saw this.

Now, it’s not that I don’t love an occasional Fresh Prince of Bel-Air re-run like everyone else, but I just couldn’t see why Mr. Ribeiro would top your list of suggestions for me.  Fine, fine, I saw him in The Tap Dance Kid on Broadway {which I’m sure you know — remember those nosebleed seats I had?}, but that was almost 30 years ago.

From a hobbies perspective, your crew has also veered significantly off course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve never been a cheerleader.  I’ve never been related to a cheerleader.  I don’t hate cheerleaders {except for the slutty boyfriend thief}, but they’re not what I’d call part of my everyday life.  Except that I recently caught a few minutes of Bring It On while flipping through the channels.  For future reference, my hobby pages would be more like “Writing Blog Posts That Nobody Reads.”  Or “Failed Crock Pot Recipes.”

And politically, there should be no question whatsoever on where I stand with this election.  And yet, a person I “might like,” in your view, is the opposing ticket’s VP candidate?  Now I think you’re messing with me.  Or you’ve lost your core technical team to Google due your unfortunate recent stock woes.

I’d like to think that I’m a tough nut to crack.  But here’s the thing, Mr. Z:  I’m not.  Maybe I once was.  But since I had kids, I’m certainly no riddle wrapped in an enigma.  I’m more like a Bloody Mary wrapped in bacon.  I basically spend my days arbitrating sibling arguments and barely keeping my household intact.  Once my kids are in bed, I have enough brain cells left to enjoy a few mindless pursuits.

I’m just not that complicated.  I figured it would help if I were honest with myself, and with your team, in an effort to make my Facebook experience more enjoyable.  Or just less absurd.

Let me help you help me.  Here’s a few places where you got it right recently.

 

Whatever asterisk or “put this in bold” code you have to add to these categories — plus anything wine-related — just double down on those and I think our problem will be solved.

Let’s start there and see how it goes.

Thanks so much for your attention to this matter.

 

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For those of you who get my blog updates via email, I had to change my email subscription service this week.  So if you see anything wonky, just bear with me until I sort out the technical end of the switch.  Thanks.

 

 

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Comments

  1. This is so true. At least I think it is. I never look at my Facebook stuff long enough to notice. Although I do remember seeing some company that will ship steak to my door show up – and as a vegetarian, I’m sure that was more paid promotion and less “appropriate connection.” Ah well. All free things must devolve eventually.

    Remember when you first joined Facebook and started poking everyone? Haha! Good times.

  2. I wish FB was smart enough to realize it’s suggested I be friends with the same person over and over again. Listen, FB, there’s a reason I’ve never friend requested that person. She stole my boyfriend back in college, so quit asking.

    Stupid Facebook

  3. Teri says:

    I think it sounds perfect and I’m quite sure he’ll get right on that! I may send him an email myself
    asking him to please make the silly “PROMOTE THIS POST” thing STOP popping up every time I post something on my Snarkfest FB page. I tried ignoring it, hoping that if I did nothing, it would get the message and stop. But it’s like a kitten, no matter how many times you shoo it, it keeps coming back. I feel like I’m going to have to start spraying FB with a spray bottle to make it stop.

    Teri

  4. Kelley says:

    This was so funny! Love the post idea. Do you know my almost 90-year-old previously incarcerated great aunt knows Alfonso? Pretty interesting stuff, huh?

  5. “I’m more like a Bloody Mary wrapped in bacon.” WINNER!

  6. Debbie says:

    Today, Z suggested that I “like” a page featuring plus sized clothing. Ummm…no thank you!!

  7. Toulouse says:

    The feature I hate the most is the one where FB tells you which way your “friends” are leaning politically. I just want to delete people all day long. And it makes me wonder if, on other people’s pages, my name is popping up with “thinks any political choice is just the lesser of 2 evils” under it.

  8. I wonder if Facebook will allow the “next big thing” to advertise on its site? Oh wait, of course they will if they have a little something called money.

    Ellen

  9. “But since I had kids, I’m certainly no riddle wrapped in an enigma. I’m more like a Bloody Mary wrapped in bacon.”

    LOVE IT.

    I am shaking with laughter reading this post in a coffee shop and getting strange looks. So thanks for that.

  10. Oh – and next can you write a note to Mr. Z and ask him to let more than 1/6 of my fans see my Facebook statuses? Thanks. Stupid Facebook.

  11. Ha! Facebook thinks it knows me, too, but apparently it can’t see my eye rolls or hear my snarky commentary to my husband while I scroll through my news feed.

  12. Jen says:

    OMG….I just inhaled coffee into my lungs while laughing. A sure sign that a blog post is hysterical. Here from the link up, so glad I found you! New follower!

    • fordeville says:

      Yay for inhaled coffee! It gets the caffeine into your bloodstream faster. I’ve heard. From a friend.
      And welcome!

  13. Becky says:

    Our common interests include:
    Revenge, Nutella, Bloody Marys Wrapped in Bacon and Writing blog posts that no one reads. Although I’m fairly certain you have many more readers. Found you via the Writer’s Workshop. Great post. New follower!

  14. NatteringNic says:

    Soooooo glad I stopped in from MamaKat! I heart his post. You had be at “Bloody Mary wrapped in bacon”…
    I’d write more but I *gots* to find me that Alfonso Ribero page and give it a big “like”. (You can’t see me but I’m doing the Carlton Dance!”)

  15. MariaAna says:

    Hello there stopping by from Mamakat’s writer’s workshop.. I do not know what’s up on Facebook now coz i have deleted my acct a few months ago. for the reason that i think it is already time consuming for me since i juggle so many things. and i had to choose which one to give up and Facebook I chose. i didnt like the new platform and i just didnt like to ‘like’ just whatever there. I hope you are having such a great day! and ohh if i am Mark Z. i will definitely respond to your complaints ha ha ha

  16. Kat says:

    Oh Facebook has been irking me lately big time. I mean, I get that these folks want to make money, but shouldn’t the features be progressing? I feel like they’re turning so many of us OFF. Booooo!

  17. Glamamom says:

    Hilarious! Congrats on the Voice of the Year nod. So happy to see your name. Good year it’s been for you so far, dontcha think?

  18. Darcy Perdu says:

    So funny! And so true! Sometimes I think elves must do google searches while I sleep because I can’t think of any other explanation for the things that Facebook recommends for me! I love your line: “But since I had kids, I’m certainly no riddle wrapped in an enigma. I’m more like a Bloody Mary wrapped in bacon.” Classic!

  19. Mandy Fish says:

    Who doesn’t love Alfonso? And is revenge a dessert best served with a side of Nutella?

  20. Still love this post. Ellen

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