The Curious Consumer & Restoration Hardware

 

Dear Restoration Hardware:

As a consumer goods company, I have to imagine you value market feedback about your products.

I recently received the latest edition of your Baby & Child catalog.

My, it is stunning. So chic and luxe.

And, after turning each super-fabulous page that made the paper stock of my holiday cards feel like unadulterated sandpaper accented with flecks of glass, I do have a few questions for you.

  • First and foremost, how do you feel about your employees drinking on the job? I ask because it’s clear — after looking at your prices and then making an optometry appointment to have my prescription checked — that your marketing team is probably hitting the bottle. Big time. Possibly with a side of hallucinogenics.
  • I’m also curious about where, exactly, you conduct your focus groups. Is it in a hermetically sealed luxury pod in Beverly Hills? Or perhaps at the Spelling Mansion? Or on the set of The Real Housewives franchise?

But of course I can’t look away. It’s like a car crash. Made of custom tufted silks.

And so I’ll admit, I did have my eye on a few specific items that I’d like to discuss with you.

Let’s start with this nursery. I am, after all, only about a month away from the arrival of my third child and on the hunt for some fresh ideas.

{Image courtesy: Restoration Hardware}

 

This was an eye-opener for me. All this time, I thought that my taste was more of the sensible/everyday/shabby chic {minus the chic}, but I see that I have been overlooking the Royal Infant/Salute to Will and Kate theme. Very interesting, indeed. Just a few questions, though:

  • Now, do you find it odd that this crib costs more than the monthly rent on my first Manhattan apartment? No? Maybe it’s just me.
  • If my kid’s personal butler is away on vacation when my order arrives, will you help us set it up? Or is concierge service extra?
  • Why not add a clothing line to the mix? I, for one, am dying to see how a babe living in such a nursery would be dressed. I’m guessing that the onesies I bought in bulk at Target last week might not cut it and may, in fact, burst into flames upon entry of such a room.
  • That’s genuine lead crystal on the sconces, right? Yep, the ones within the reach of a toddler standing up in the crib. Those. I was just trying to figure out the depth of the flesh wound my child might encounter from those pesky glass-to-skin punctures.

 

Moving on to the lighting department. So many choices!

{Image courtesy: Restoration Hardware}

 

Personally, I find this line to be a relief. Because, first of all, I was really worried about having the proper formal lighting scheme under which my young children can see which variety of Goldfish they are eating. It’s also critical for tea parties to have as much crystal as humanly possible in the room. And — bonus! — it works well with my son wielding ninja swords all over the house.

Again, just a few follow-up questions before I proceed with my order:

  • Can I place these on hold long enough to speak with my insurance company about putting additional personal liability coverage on our homeowners policy?
  • How is the child in the photo adjusting to the clear lack of furniture in her room? I mean, does she know that her parents blew all their cash on light fixtures and that’s why she has to sit on a pillow and store her books on the floor? She looks like she’s taking it in stride, although the padded walls give me pause. Is she OK? Or is she writing in that journal about what will prove to be years of pent-up resentment? Maybe just keep an eye on her.

 

Finally, thank you for resolving a major issue that has been pressing on my mind: What furnishings can I buy to help my kids relax?

{Image courtesy: Restoration Hardware}

 

Well, now I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. Were it not for your Vintage Cigar Leather Sofa, my kids would have to suffer the indignities of sitting on adult-sized furniture to unwind after a long day of playing. Where else would they plan their world travels like this young gentleman? I mean, I can’t just have them sitting on the floor while watching Disney, Jr.

Plus, the leather is ideal — I can just brush off most food and drink stains — not to mention blend in anything that a stray marker may leave behind. Truly, this is a lifesaver. And, priced at just under $2,000, the practicality of it really hits home. How the hell have we been getting by without this?

 

Last night, I finished thumbing through your catalog. But I must say that this been an education — not only in decor, but in home equity loans as well. I can only hope that you will begin issuing seasonal editions so that I have new decor aspirations at my fingertips on a rolling basis throughout the year.

Finally, let me offer my congratulations. Your latest line manages to make Pottery Barn Kids look reasonable and prudent, with bargain basement pricing. That’s no small feat.

Thanks in advance for addressing my concerns. If you start manufacturing strollers that will surely outperform my 2010 car, please put me on your mailing list straight away.

I must be the first to know.

 

 

Did you like this? Share it:

Comments

  1. HouseTalkN says:

    AMEN! I just looked through the catalog and I kept saying “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
    HouseTalkN recently posted…Funny Stuff Mom Says…My Profile

  2. Mere says:

    Dear newest BFF,
    You read my mind.
    Sincerely yours,
    Mere
    Mere recently posted…S- Mom, it is still blue in the sky with the sun so it isn’t time for bed.My Profile

  3. Piper says:

    I LOVE this! Thank you!! I actually wrote to Restoration Hardware to ask them to stop sending me their catalogs. This was because a) I think the style is horrible and just ostentatious — their stuff will only work in giant Mcmansion homes. b) the weight of the books is crazy — almost as much as a phone book — in these economic times I find it offensive for them to spend that much money on mailings and c) the paper waste makes my inner, mostly hidden tree hugger cry….

    • Virgil says:

      Ditto about the catalogs! If I really want something from RH I look it up and/or order online, anyway! The post man has to drive up to each house individually to drop off the “package”, too heavy to carry more than one. Then I’m responsible for recycling what is really a waste of natural resources (and did some one already say, PRETENTIOUS?) Why not skip the cost of producing and delivering what most people smirk at, and perhaps lower their prices a tad….

  4. Jen says:

    WTF? These people must be drunk!
    Jen recently posted…my advice to you…My Profile

  5. This cracked me up – and it’s so true. I don’t know who the heck is buying this stuff. Nothing like spending a zillion bucks on a nursery you’ll have to redecorate when your tiny pretentious baby turns into a pretentious toddler.

  6. Laura Grimes says:

    I have often worried about the drug use among the marketers of RH. I mean good god, have you seen how much their paint costs? But I guess only the best for your little future royalty. Maybe we could call it dictator-chic?

  7. Hillary says:

    You are SO right. I can’t believe this stuff. I want to know, really, WHO buys it.
    Hillary recently posted…Vacation: From Fantasy to RealityMy Profile

    • fordeville says:

      Hillary, our question has been answered: Scroll down two comments and you’ll see that clearly all the cool kids are buying from RH.

  8. Anna says:

    OMG this is hilarious. I must admit my kids can pass hours cutting stuff out of those giant catalogs, but other than that, I don’t really see the need to send me two trees worth of paper.
    Anna recently posted…Instructions for My Husband: Frozen Yogurt and Ice Cream are Not "the Same Thing"My Profile

    • fordeville says:

      See, now, the crafting angle never occurred to me.
      Or the next time my kids need to clip examples of “R is for Ri-fucking-diculous,” I know where to go.

  9. in the design industry says:

    Hmm. They’ve got trend setting style and products that no one else has (until other furnishing companies start making knock offs). Their stock closed at over 40.00 a share today. They’re on track to be a billion dollar company this year when other furniture retailers are barely making it. They offer free design services in their galleries. I use them ALL the time for my clients. I think they’ve figured out who their customers are. Maybe you should ask to be removed from their mailing list and stick to shopping at target.

    • Dear In The Design Industry,

      Hmmm. This blogger has on-trend sarcasm and humor that some readers don’t. Her readership is up and she’s about to be featured on stage in a live reading of her smart, funny, original work when other bloggers are barely making it. She writes on a variety of topics, with a unique and humorous point of view, and she is currently making a person inside of her own body. I read her ALL the time with my eyes. I think she’s figured out who her audience is. Maybe you should remove yourself and stick to Pinterest.

      Sincerely,
      In the Blog Industry

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks for your candid comment. It is especially effective behind the anonymity of a fake email address.

      Just a friendly FYI from a reading comprehension standpoint that nowhere in my post did I say that I don’t like the items in the RH catalog. They are indeed lovely on the whole. What I was saying — I’m typing more slowly this time for your benefit — is that the Baby & Child collection is over the top in terms of pricing and practicality. For many people. Of course not for all. And clearly not for your clients (who, may I say, are so lucky to have such a peach at their disposal).

      I’ve got a Target circular begging to be read right now. {Also, they closed at $69.74 today.}

  10. These items seem to be specifically for the folks with nannies, maids and chefs. It’s gorgeous. But who’s gonna clean up that shit? Good grief.
    Frugalistablog recently posted…Want to go to MamaCon for 1/2 price? Bring a friend!My Profile

  11. Devan says:

    This is so funny! You did an amazing job on the humor, I was really laughing out loud. I have never heard of this company, I guess I am glad! What a waste!
    Also, I LOOOOOVEEEE Allisons comment, brilliant! This is why I love you writer chickies! :)
    <3 Devan

  12. Best line: If my kid’s personal butler is away on vacation when my order arrives, will you help us set it up?

    Kim, they stopped sending me their catalog after I sent them a picture of my van with my garage in the background sporting a tin roof.
    Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…There is nothing wrong. A baby just came out of your vagina.My Profile

  13. Mammaof2bois says:

    I am putting myself on their mailing list now. My child’s school is always asking for catalogs and magazines for craft time. Plus I am a mail carrier and this crap is my job security!

  14. Is it just me or is anyone else wondering why any room where a baby/toddler/preschooler, hell … any child under the age of 30 would be WHITE? That’s just asking for trouble.
    So happy we found you at Finding The Funny!
    Science of Parenthood recently posted…Perusing The Funny PaigeMy Profile

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge