Fifty Shades of WTF Did I Just Read?

How’s this for a cliche?  Right after I turned 40 — and I mean, only about three days after — I pulled my back out.  I wasn’t exercising or lifting one of my kids.  No, I was unloading the dishwasher.  How sad is that?  So, despite what many people have said, I’m not sure that age is just a number at this point.  It seems more like a chiropractic adjustment and an Icy Hot addiction.

Now, there were a few benefits of having to remain relatively still for a couple of days.  I could relax about John Quinones catching me on camera in town — I was safe.  More importantly, I could also make some real progress on the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy while I sat on my couch, visibly aging and mumbling about lower back pain.

Thankfully, my back improved in a few days.  But by then, it was too late.  I was already hooked on the Fifty Shades books.  I was in too deep.  And so I kept reading.  In the pre-school parking lot.  In the pediatrician’s waiting room {“Is the air conditioning on?  It’s pretty warm in here“}.  And late at night.  Shamefully late at night.  Hanging on to Mr. Grey’s every word.

Sadly, my late nights with Mr. Grey resulted in a personal speed-reading record.  I’m not proud.

The reality is that these three books may be some of the worst writing I’ve ever encountered.  In fact, I would like to come back in my next life as the editor for this trilogy.  Because I’m fairly certain that she 1) did not lift a finger in the so-called “editing” process and 2) made a large fortune nonetheless.  Nice work if you can get it.

If you don’t have the time, or if you’re going to go all high-brow on me and pass on this trilogy to read Us Weekly, I get it.  I think we can still be friends (if you’ll have me — I’m the one reading the smut over here).  But I thought I’d just recap the highly intricate plot for those of you who feel you might be missing out.  Because, sooner or later, you’re going to get trapped between two or more suburban moms who will go all Fifty Shades on you.

Here it goes — the major plot points.  Try to stay with me.

• Christian and Ana meet.
• Tension builds.
• They fight.
• Dark secrets unfold.
• They start having lots of sex.
• More dark secrets unfold.
• The relationship evolves.
• They fight.
• They have more outrageous sex.
• The relationship evolves.
• More sex.
• More fighting.
• More sex.
• More sex.
• More sex.
• More dark secrets unfold.
• More sex.
• More fighting.
• The relationship evolves.
• More fighting.  Followed by more sex. And more dark secrets.
• Encounters with psychopaths emerge.
• More sex.

Got it?  I just saved you days of your life.  Not to mention embarrassment in the pediatrician’s waiting room.

Now.  For those of you who are like-minded souls and have read/are reading these books, let’s talk.  After all, we can’t get those hours of our lives back — and my book club is all, “We’re discussing real books,” so I need some friends who will indulge me in a bit of post-Fifty chatter.

As a discussion guide, I thought it would be fun to create a The Fifty Shades Bingo Companion Game.  I will include the most  overused/absurd/tired words and phrases from the trilogy (I’m keeping them PG, just in case you popped over to my blog thinking it was Family Day).  Every time you come across one of these words or phrases in the books, you get to cover that square of your Bingo card.  Until someone wins.  This should take all of three minutes.

{I know, Bingo enthusiasts, it’s not a regulation sized card, but work with me.}

What’s that?  You called Bingo within 12 pages of the first book?  All of you?

Well, if Bingo isn’t going to last long enough, I have another suggestion.  We could just make the Bingo words into a list and use them as a drinking game.  Oh wait, then we’d all need our stomachs pumped in short order.

So we’ll have to find another way to discuss all this sordid best-sellerness.

And I have to face the fact that my quality time with Mr. Grey has come to an end.  I’m somewhere between enlightened, educated, traumatized and — really, above all — wondering how they’re going to handle this as a movie.

But in the meantime, I have to go and catch up on real life.  I have a few terribly disappointing TV season finales to bash.  I have to emotionally prepare for pre-school graduation.  I have to find a new white wine at Trader Joe’s since they stopped carrying my favorite.  And I have a pile of neglected Us Weekly issues to read.

So, farewell, Christian Grey and all your baggage.  And your playroom.  And your chiseled chin.  And…well…oh, my.