How to Revive the Fall TV Line-Up

So.  We’re a week into the fall TV season and I have a question:  Where can I apply to get the wasted hours of my life back from watching some of these new shows?   Because I am owed a brain cell refund.

You know it’s bad when I am actively looking forward to the Vice Presidential Debate taking over all of the major networks.  That will be far better fictitious material than most of what the writers have dreamt up.

The truth is, I miss Lost.  I know, it has been gone for a few years now.  But with each terrible new show on TV, I’m having a harder time letting go of Oceanic Flight 815.  Maybe because I pulled muscles in my brain trying to piece together the space/time continuum.  Or maybe just because of Sawyer.

If only we could get it back on the air.

I’ll admit that my wish seems unlikely in the traditional plot continuity sense, for a variety of reasons.  But this alone doesn’t stop me — because I clearly have important issues on my mind.

So I’ve been thinking.  And it seems that the only chance I have is to give Lost an entirely new and fresh angle.

…One that would please the existing fan base but also attract new viewers.

…Maybe have a crossover event and join forces with another currently popular show, to create buzz.

…I’m thinking a show that has a broad audience and wide appeal, but also generates a lot of debate…One that makes people like me throw a shoe at the TV and then tune in again the very next day.

…Oh yes, something like House Hunters.

Or, said better, when we integrate the Lost theme…

Hatch Hunters.

Stick with me.  I think I have TV gold here.

{Unless you never watched Lost, in which case, my apologies — this post probably won’t do it for you.  But I couldn’t resist.}

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Premise:  Kate and Sawyer {or we could go Team Jack — TBD by the production guys}, tired of everyone else’s island bickering and save-the-world nonsense, take all of the Dharma Beer they can get their hands on and move away from the crew.  They view three properties, shown by Ben Linus — who has a commanding attention to the island’s details and history — and must choose in the end where to settle down.

Hatch 1:  Originally owned by a bloke named Desmond, this hatch is the ultimate in privacy.  Carefully tucked away beneath a pile of brush, this subterranean getaway boasts its own security code {4-8-15-16-23-42} and a massive pantry filled with a wide variety of non-perishable items.  On the downside, the formerly state-of-the-art technology upgrades are now somewhat dated, as is the turntable sound system.  The decor also needs some TLC.  And that pesky button must be pushed every 108 minutes to avoid the universe from crumbling.

Hatch 2:  Located partially underwater, this hatch is for the safety-minded who enjoy the right to bear arms.   Featuring dedicated military-like guards, as well as an extensive video monitoring system, rest assured that your new island home is secure.  With your enviable water-submerged locale, you’ll also enjoy access to water sports and, yes, your own private submarine slip.  A must-see for the paranoid and nautical at heart buyer.

Property 3:  Ever the open-minded consumers, Kate and Sawyer decide to expand their search beyond the traditional island hatches and look at another option as well — the Dharma condo development.  Entirely above ground and free standing, this property offers instant and permanent membership into a tight-knit community, as well as nearby employment opportunities.  Although it’s out of their price range, they can choose to cash in an extra heroin-filled religious statue to make this their dream home.

All three properties have unparalleled access to a pristine beach, as well as rare wildlife species (think polar bears and smoke monsters), and remain out of the pesky flight patterns of the South Pacific.  In fact, the surroundings are all off the map, so to speak.  Though wi-fi and cell phone service can be tricky, time travel affords residents the opportunity to communicate with family back on the mainland at unpredictable intervals.

So which one will they choose?

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Come on.  What would you watch — Hatch Hunters or Breaking Amish?  I think the choice is clear to liven up the fall schedule.