Nineteen days until Christmas and, if you’re anything like me, you’re anxiously dusting off your PBK catalog for some swell new ideas on how to complicate the hell out of your remaining holiday prep time. Because there’s nothing else left to do, of course.
As my holiday gift to you, I will keep today’s PBK rant brief.
Festivities
If you are planning to host a holiday cookie exchange, please know that PBK has you covered and is ready to guide you through about 26 grueling steps for success {starting three to four weeks before your event}. Some must-haves:
The Mason Jar Snow Globe
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
Naturally, your event will be an utter shit show if you don’t have homemade centerpieces for each baking station. I mean, I would never stay at a cookie exchange that didn’t have handcrafted fucking holiday terrariums.
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
In short, this mason jar is an exercise in torture. Not only does it involve a glue gun {as should any activity with small kids}, but there are tweezers. Why tweezers? To help you “lower the scene down into the jar.” Naturally. Look, if you haven’t ever built one of those ships inside of a bottle, I don’t think this for you. And by “you,” of course I mean me.
Chocolate Milk Snowmen
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
When a Disney-themed sippy cup and a bottle of Hershey’s syrup up for grabs simply won’t do. I find this craft worthwhile because, well, the kids will get to enjoy it for all of the SIX SECONDS it takes them to inhale their chocolate milk and shatter the glass on your floor.
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
I read step #1 and thought about instead tying the fabric around my own neck in a noose-like situation, just to free myself of PBK. Good news, though: You can probably use the leftover mason jars here that you nearly threw across the room a few hours ago while trying to create the damn snow globes. Just try to get all the fake snow and glue out before you serve my kid chocolate milk in this, OK?
Decor
Hosting parties for the under-21 set is not really your thing? That’s OK. Just make sure that your home is decorated as elaborately as possible for Christmas. I, for one, am so grateful for this particular suggestion.
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
Because, if you can believe it, I almost forgot to adorn the stairs of my home with jars of holiday candy. I have been looking for more places to rest breakable glass receptacles filled with sugary treats for my children — and now it seems so obvious. Heaven forbid they don’t get to eat a candy cane, nib of chocolate or peppermint sucker each of the 8,613 times they go up and down the stairs every day. This shouldn’t cause me any problems at all.
Gifts
Finally, what would PBK be without those special holiday gifts for your kids? I chose a few favorites.
The Elf on the Shelf Letter Carrier
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
Now the children have an easy and direct way to make sure their letters get to Santa. It’s also the quickest path to a lifetime of therapy sessions generated by this gigantic, creepy elf staring at them every night. Throw in the matching PBK Elf on the Shelf bedding and pajamas, and this gift set has a certain serial-killer-in-training or American Horror Story undertone that I can’t quite shake.
The Mini Dyson
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
Let’s examine some of the features, as stated by PBK:
- Designed after the full-scale European models.
- Features a bright whirring vortex, realistic sounds, tools and a detachable wand.
Did they say “bright, whirring vortex”? I can just hear that annoying Dyson guy in my ear. And, isn’t that code for “likely to cause seizures”?
I’m sort of opposed to my kid owning nicer cleaning machinery than mine. She’ll be all, “Uh, Mom, what is that Swiffer thing? And why the hell isn’t it monogrammed and color-coordinated with your pajamas?”
But the truth is this: Your child won’t need this Mini Dyson if you just buy her this gem instead.
{Image: Pottery Barn Kids}
The Danbury Dollhouse. Or is it Downton Abbey? Hard to tell. Anyway, I’d be shocked if it didn’t come with its own maid’s quarters.
So there you have it. 19 days. Get going — before there’s a run on glue guns and mason jars.
__________
Other holiday notes:
–Congratulations to Teresa Vanselow for winning the autographed copy of Spending the Holidays With People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Thanks to all who entered!
–Need more holiday cheer? Check out my post over at Mommy Shorts this week on how to eliminate holiday stress {hint: seasonal polygamy}. I think my case is pretty compelling, and my legal team is making some real strides on my behalf. Also, I staged a last-ditch intervention for our Elf on the Shelf over at Elf Shaming. The next stop for Jingle is rehab.
Pottery Barn catalogs just make me feel so sad. And inadequate. And like a failure. And…wait. I don’t really care.
Actually, that’s not true. I wish my house could look more like that, but you’re right – glass jars on wooden stairs with three boys and a toddler is like asking for a trip to the hospital for Christmas stitches.
You don’t really want your house to look like that.
Sure, the “before” photo is pretty, but we both know that the “after” picture has shattered glass everywhere, as well as kids with stitches. But maybe if they fill those jars with Xanax and babyproof them…
Holy heck! PBK is ridiculous. Candy jars on the stairs? And not just any jar–an apothecary jar. I love the snowglobes though. Not gonna lie. I have seen way easier tutorials out there than the one they used. Kids should never have tweezers.
Finally, if they’re gonna have a vacuum that looks just like mine and makes just as much noise, why can’t it, for the love of pete, actually VACUUM??!
Exactly! If the kid is going through the motions anyway, at least get some of this dirt off my floor!
Thank you for saying what normal people really think. I would love to stand outside PBK stores and pass this out as a pamphlet.
I will print some for you. Hell, I’ll come with you — then I can pretend I’m doing holiday shopping when I’m really procrastinating like a boss.
Kim you’re cracking me up! LOVE the glass jars on the steps! Don’t forget that in my house
it’s not just kids that run up and down the steps. My dogs would LOVE to tackle those jars, break them, eat the candy, shit on the floor and cut their paws on the shards of broken glass. It’s a WIN-WIN!!
Where is Pottery Barn Dog when you need it?
I can’t even think of anything witty to say. This is so entertaining. I have to say that my first thought with the chocolate milk glasses was “how would I wash them and reuse them once I glue on the buttons?” I didn’t even THINK of the nasty wet scarf. Shame.
Awesome! I used to look at these catalogs but they just make me feel like a 40yr old female Oliver Twist, face smeared w/ soot, looking through a rich person’s window. Seriously, candy on the stairs? In glass jars? And the candy is arranged in a pattern! Wonderfully upsetting.