The Untold Terror of Halloween

Last year was our first year living in the suburbs for Halloween.  And we totally underestimated what a big deal it was.  On several levels.

Not this year.  We’ll be ready.  Bring it, I say.

But before I can join my neighbors in Christmas-level outdoor decorations and buying enough candy to feed a small country, I have to get the basics done.

That means costumes for my kids.  Which, it turns out, is the real terror behind Halloween.

Because, at ages four and two, they have definite opinions about their costumes.  Which would be fine if said opinions did not change, on average, every 7-9 minutes.  And were not accompanied by numerous public tantrums.

I’ve tried several strategies to take the pain out of this process.  For example, I don’t ask open-endedly anymore “So, what do you want to be for Halloween?”  Because that’s just signing up for pain, coated in confusion and sprinkled with disappointment.  When given this free-wheeling positioning, my kids will either choose obscure characters or overly specific creatures {e.g., not just a dinosaur, but a purple Brachiosaurus} whose likenesses are impossible to purchase.  They are even more impossible to recreate, particularly if you have my distinct lack of artistic vision coupled with zero crafting execution.  Or desire.

We’ve got to keep the economy running, people.  I’m buying costumes.  There will be plenty of years to make them.

I also try to steer their choices, so that we are dealing with something that 1) I can easily purchase {see above} and 2) is not totally inappropriate {nothing trampy for my daughter or violent for my son}.

See, I’m all reasonable and practical.  Let them choose, but help manage their choices so it’s not overwhelming.  Or annoying.

Let me tell you how well my strategies worked today during a few stops at costume stores: Epic fail.

They were driving me crazy.  One minute, they each had four costume choices in their hands.  The next, they wanted nothing.

The feigned excitement in my voice became absurd with each new suggestion:

“What about The Backyardigans, you guys?  What do you mean you don’t like them?  You begged for four episodes at breakfast.”

“Oh look, a cowboy and cowgirl!  No, it doesn’t have a horse but we can pretend, and — Guys?  Where are you?”

“Pirates are awesome!  How about pirates?  Yes, there are girl pirates, but their skirts should be longer.”

“The Cookie Monster!  You’ll love this. Remember, you love cookies.  It’s blue and furry — and probably comes with cookies in the sleeves.  Come on!”

Then I got it in my head that it would be fun to have them in some sort of pairing.  You know, Mickey and Minnie.  Red Riding Hood and The Wolf.  A baker and a cupcake.

Nobody was biting.  So to speak.

Then, my kids just got lame with their suggestions.  Or maybe they were hungry.

“Oh, you found one?!  A banana??  Really?  Well, no.  No, because, that’s just, well, not very fun and you’ll thank me later, quite honestly.”

I mean, come on, kids.  We have to represent here.

But, hey — they are children.  They should absolutely enjoy Halloween and feel some ownership/excitement about their choices.  So I just want them to pick something that they will still like 28 days from now.

Time is ticking.  I’m looking at the costume websites with their SOLD OUT red letters becoming more and more prominent.  Because the catalogs started coming in July.  Right before the Christmas stuff started showing up in August.

So we’ll regroup and try again in a few days.  But I have a few threats ideas in the meantime.

Threat Idea 1:  Garden Gnomes

They are creepy as Hell.  They totally scream Halloween.  Or The Full Monty, depending on your frame of reference.  They also scream “My mom chose this for her own entertainment and I had no say.”  Which is what it may come to if they don’t pull through with something soon.

Threat Idea 2:  Seed of Chucky and {not pictured} Bride of Chucky

Yeah, I know — totally and entirely inappropriate.  But let this be a warning about my Halloween sanity meter.

* * *

But.  Guess what?  We did make one key purchase and I’m so excited about it.

The dog’s costume.

It’s true.  I dress up Señor most years.  He was pretty pissed the time I got him a sombrero and cape and dressed him as, well, a señor.  Sort of.

And he’s still getting over last year’s hot dog gig.  But he was totally the hit of the neighborhood, even if we didn’t speak for a while afterwards.  He was all blah, blah, blah, animal cruelty, blah, blah, I want bacon, blah, blah.

But, today, amidst my kids’ indecisive insanity, my husband spotted a great dog costume.  We tried it on Señor this afternoon and he seemed pretty OK with it.  I can’t wait to show you.

But not until the I dress the small humans here for trick-or-treating.  Even if they end up with banana costumes.