Anatomy of a Holiday Card

The holiday cards are piling in every day now.  It’s one of my favorite parts of this season — hearing from so many people and seeing the cute pictures of their families.

The photos on these cards are always so interesting to me.  Mainly because I wonder how tough it was for each family to get their kids to cooperate.

As far as I’m concerned, holiday card photos fall under the Parental Amnesia category.  This is a serious condition that causes parents to forget about the mental or physical pain associated with certain aspects of having and raising kids.  The most obvious example is childbirth.  If women remembered, in detail, what they endured in that process, nobody would have siblings.  Ever.

Parental Amnesia also applies to other things like sleep deprivation and potty training.

And yes, holiday card photos.  It’s true.  I should know.

You see, had I remembered how utterly painful it is to attempt to get a decent photo of my kids for our annual holiday card, I would have just hired a photographer.

But no, I figured — how hard can it be?  {Anyone with small kids is laughing with an evil snort right now.}

**Classic Parental Amnesia.**

Before you call me crazy or high maintenance, let me first define what I mean by the term “decent photo.”  To be perfectly clear, my requirements are minimal.  I would like my kids to:

–both appear in the frame

–have more than half of their respective faces showing

–be generally in focus

–have their eyes open (this does not apply when they are infants)

–not be crying

That’s it.  I don’t care if they are in holiday outfits, or if there is a lush seasonal backdrop in the photo.  {Where is that mystical Christmas meadow in these photos, anyway?  I don’t think my town has one.} Two kids who look generally clean and not ready to cry is really all I want to show family and friends in this season of joy.

These photo sessions never go well when planned — I have learned this  much.  So, this year, I decided to wing it one day in November when both kids happened to be dressed decently and looked generally photo-ready. I took them out to the front lawn, where it was oddly 70 degrees that day.  They were in good moods and had full stomachs. Figuring these were the best odds I would get all year, I sat them down in front of a few plants in the yard and just went for it — snapping away with my iPhone and using my best cheerleader voice.

In the span of 36 seconds, the following photo shoot and general commentary transpired.

“OK, you guys, have a seat right here in front of the plants.  It’s so nice and sunny out, isn’t it?  Let’s take a few nice pictures!  Put your arm around your sister! Here we go!  Smile!”

“OK, OK, let’s try to look at Mommy!  No, it’s not a bug on your finger — just put your hands in your lap, OK?  Over here!  Look!”

“Guys, I’m up here {snapping fingers}!  Looooook over here!  Say — cheeeeese!”

“OK — again please.  Cheeeese!”

“Wow, that’s a lot of cheese.  Hm. How about ‘Christmas?'”

“Yes, that’s the neighbor walking her dog over there.  Look back at me.  No, the dog can’t come up here to play right now.  Back over here, guys!  Look at Mommy!  {Now jumping up and down.}  It’s warm out here, isn’t it?”

“Wait!  Where are you going?  No, no, we’re not done yet — almost!  Grab your sister’s hand and tell her to sit by you.  Look back over here. Pleeeeease.”

“Can you try holding hands for me please?  And sitting just a little closer?  Come on.  Santa is watching, you know.”

“Great — you’re sitting closer and holding hands!  Thank you.  Just.  Look.  Over.  Here.  For.  The.  Love.  Of.  God.”

“Both of you!  Loooooook heeeeere!  {Waving frantically now.  My construction crew has emerged from the basement to see if there is a crazy person on the premises.} I have candy inside.  Who wants candy?  Look here for candy.  And your college money.  All eyes on me for tuition.”

“Get your sister!” {I lunge for her, now breaking a full sweat.}

“It is so HOT outside.  What’s with the 70 degrees?!  Yes, I know, you are losing patience.  Just another minute.”

“Guys.  Stay with me.  One more — I promise.  Let’s make it a good one and then we’ll have candy and an extra TV show.”

“Oh thank you.  That’s a wrap.  Mommy needs wine now.”

* * *

OK, maybe my son looks slightly medicated in the photo, but I took what I could get.  And really, does anything say festive holiday season quite like a pair of camouflage pants?  I think not.

So this is where you guys come in.  Next year, if I appear to make any attempts at the holiday photo again, please remind me of this post.  Save me from Parental Amnesia.  And feel free to refer a good photographer in the greater New Jersey area.