Do not bother me from July 27 through August 12. I’ll be in London.
Well, I’ll be in front of my TV. In New Jersey. But on London time.
I totally get Olympic Fever. It’s true. And really, it’s sort of odd, considering I’ve never played an organized sport in my life (though I feel very strongly on some days that I could easily qualify for a competitive eating event).
As the Games of the XXX Olympiad draw near, it’s clear that Olympic Fever is contagious here in Fordeville. Particularly with my kids.
They are on a mission to medal in some of the lesser-known summer sports. Not Shooting. Or Handball. Or Badminton.
No, no. Even lesser-known.
Here I give you the Fordeville Summer Olympic Backyard Line-Up:
Rhythmic Whining: This entails high pitched moans of the following: “I’m booored.” “When can we gooo to the poooool?” and “Nooooo sunnnnscreeeeean.” Not strictly a verbal sport, critical extra points are awarded for flexibility during the mandatory Limbless Tantrum component.
Speed Snack Requesting: Wherein a perfect triangle is formed on foot, every 6 to 12 minutes — all summer long — by small children, between the fridge, the kitchen table and the garbage can. This is their path of snack consumption. It takes not only physical, but mental duration to outlast one’s competitors and repeat this exercise all goddamned day. Every day.
Full Family Combat: Not to be confused with Judo, this family room crowd pleaser means smuggling a favorite toy away from one’s sibling, running full speed out of the room with it until someone gets his/her ass kicked by the opposite team/sibling. Or until someone falls and hits a wall first — also called Sudden Death.
Pool to the Bathroom Sprints: With no protective or traction-bearing footwear, root for your favorite team member to make it from the town pool to the disgusting bathroom before a public health hazard occurs in his/her swimsuit. Bonus points for not falling onto one’s little ass on the slippery and highly unsanitary floor.
Sunscreen Application Rodeo: Not unlike the efforts of a greased pig, watch the backyard Olympians successfully out-squirm their mother, time and time again, as she tries in vain to apply SPF 5,000,000 to avoid a trip to the ER. This multi-day competition entails changes in venue like the park, the pool, the zoo and climbing the swing set.
I mean, I love a good Team USA Gymnastics moment. But I can’t count on it. I have to make sure my own Olympians are being groomed to their fullest potential here.
So far, they serious medal contenders. And it’s only early July.
It’s funny because it’s true! And holy cow, can I just tell you I’ve been thinking about your “sunscreen olympics” comment from your vacation post ever since I read that. Cracks me up!!! Spot on!!
Thanks Tara. Trust me, I’m a reluctant participant in the Sunscreen Olympics. But the ER is far worse 😉
What is the age limit for full body combat? Mine are 12 and 16 and still engage in this Olympic event. Certainly they should be disqualified by now!!!!
Oh no — don’t tell me I still have 10-12 more years of this spectator sport in my house. This is what I was afraid of.
You had me at Limbless Tantrums and greased pig.
Such lovely images of my children — they will just love reading this someday…
Holy fond memories of the winter of Letterman’s mom and the Kerrigan/Harding incident!
Got it. Will be watching for and rooting for the Fordevilles exclusively in these new sports–sounds like you guys have got this in the bag!
We are going for gold!
Ha! This was all so funny, but I especially loved the “Limbless Tantrum” – my kids work that into pretty much every event. 🙂
Yes, we’re finding the competition especially tough in that event.
Man, this was sooo good and I knew you’d have the slipndie event of pool to bathroom event.
That one, with b onus points for no cracked skulls. Worth a gold medal of all time if you make it.
OK, my new favorite word is now officially “slipndie.”
This is really funny! Thanks for sharing your creativity!
I always look forward to the Olympics because my first child was born while the Olympics were going on. I was able to watch the events at all hours of the night. Since I was on a 24-hour time clock at that point, I really appreciated having something besides info-mercials taunting me with firm abdominal muscles to watch!
Thanks for stopping by JJ! Had I thought of this point, I might have timed the births of my children to coincide with the Olympics. Because, you’re right, those informercials can drive you to the brink of insanity.