Santa, Bring Me Some Sister Wives

It’s time to make my annual holiday season promise to myself. The one that I break every year:

I will not let the holidays stress me out.  I will enjoy them, damn it.

Riiiight.

But despite my past failures in this effort, I have come up with an entirely new approach this year. One that will reduce my stress level and allow me more time to cherish the season.

I’m going to get some seasonal Sister Wives.

Yep. Hear me out.

How many times have you wished for an extra few sets of hands to help you prepare for the holiday madness? And I don’t mean your husband, because that often entails a lot of direction and management. Not your mom, because she has her own list and, really, she just wants to play with the kids.

I mean other women, who know what they are doing and feel a genuine familial obligation to help you out.

Sister Wives.

It occurred to me on Black Friday. I know some of you embrace this whole retail discount phenomenon, and I applaud you. But it’s not for me.  However, it could have been for me, this year — had I put my plan in place sooner. In my post-tryptophan coma, while eating leftover pie for breakfast and being assaulted by Black Friday emails, it hit me.

If I had, say, three Sister Wives, think of the divide and conquer approach I could’ve mapped out for them while I held down the fort at home {aka: slept while obtaining deeply discounted items at major retailers}:

• SW #1 would be assigned to Toys R Us.
• SW #2 hits Target.
• SW #3 tackles Best Buy.

Boom. Trifecta.

Hmm. As my mind began to clear from the turkey haze, I thought of other ways I could take the Seasonal Sister Wife model to a new level of holiday efficiency.

• Family Duty.  Need a proxy for that tricky post-election discussion over appetizers? Tired of showing your mom how to use her smart phone? It’s not all on you with the Sister Wives in tow. Hell, imagine this:  What if I had three other women to help me look better to my in-laws? Dream big, I say.

• Cookie Exchange.  I am a crappy baker but a stellar consumer of holiday cookies. With several cookie exchanges on my horizon, I can really improve my positioning with the help of a Sister Wife who can bake. Fuck the Snickerdoodles — this year, I’m talking blue ribbon, Pinterest-level goods. With hand-painted cookie tins for everyone, of course. Bring it, ladies.

• Elf on the Shelf Duty.  You know that moment, every night or early the next morning:  When you’re comfortable in your warm bed and you realize you forgot to move the damn elf. Again. Well, I’ll be resting easy now, my friends. Because a devoted Sister Wife is going to do this every night. And she’s going to make it really good — no bullshit hiding spots that my husband or I seem to repeat every four days. She’s going to string Jingle from ceiling fans and cause him to jump out upon the detection of child-activated motion sensors. Because. It’s. Her. Job.

• Holiday Cards.  This is not for an amateur or the faint of heart. Just getting a decent picture of my kids, in and of itself, is daunting and will age you several years. Then you’ve got the card layout, as well as the annual address list debate with my husband — in which I’m known to be slightly ruthless in my edits {haven’t heard from you all year?  no card for you}. And, of course, THE PURCHASING OF THE STAMPS AT THE POST OFFICE IN MID-DECEMBER and getting everything out the door by, preferably, December 22nd.

• Toy Assembly.  My chances of staying married will increase 5 million-fold if other people will just stay up with us until 2 or 3am on Christmas Eve and assemble the various pieces of plastic from China into lovely toys that stay intact under the tree. Granted, this is a big job. I’ll need all three Sister Wives on deck:  #1 will make sure that we have all $684 worth of batteries, in the proper sizes, installed as necessary. #2 will be an expert in separating the toys from the intricate, Ph.D.- level packaging that the sadistic toy manufacturers feel compelled to inflict upon parents. As for #3, she’s the runner and will fill in on general assembly as needed, as well as tool distribution and, of course, barkeep duties.

And, because I’m no idiot, this arrangement doesn’t end as soon as the merriment is over. Oh no, I want some help with the aftermath of the holidays, too. I’m not doing all this with a hangover by myself.

• Returns.  Obviously. I mean, once the holidays are over, the last thing I want is all the craptastic, B-list  gifts taking up valuable space where my new cases of wine {ahem, Santa} will be stored. Me and the SWs are going to go all Boxing Day and get it done. No more drawn-out organization efforts of separating the good from the returnable. Gone are the days of fumbling for receipts in mid-April. We will be machines of efficiency. We will identify and keep the good stuff. Separate the returns by location and map out the most efficient route. Identify all items without receipts and consider potential re-gifting opportunities. All before you guys have toasted the arrival of the new year.

• Holiday Decor Breakdown and Removal.  I don’t know about your house, but in mine, the kids are not reliable when it comes to, say, removing, wrapping and storing breakable ornaments and decorations. And I find it to be a depressing task, parting with the holidays. So, the Sister Wives stay on through the first week of January. This year, those 14 million stray pine needles in my rug? Not my problem.

Now, I need to be fair here — this isn’t a paid gig so I have to do my share. My strength is really in organizing and delegating. You know, keeping the machine running. Mission control. And, come on, since I orchestrated this arrangement, I have Top Sister Wife positioning. The Alpha Wife, if you will.

But let’s not forget the tricky part. There is a husband in this scenario. Namely, mine. And we are not, um, sharers. Especially since prairie skirts and braids are not really his thing. So I’m thinking, since it’s just a seasonal job, a generous gift card to the mall for each SW should be good. Or maybe to the fabric store.

Yes, there are a couple of logistical kinks to work out — lodging, cars, priority access to the Keurig, etc. — but I’m optimistic I can get this sorted pretty easily.

So, ladies. Have fun stressing out this holiday season with all of the responsibilities falling solely on your shoulders. I’m off to get a pedicure, a venti Starbucks and some legally binding contracts that expire on or about January 15.

Happy Holidays!