You’re a fantastic pet. You always have been. You have adapted so well to a life with two kids that you never signed up for. You never so much as growl at these crazy toddlers when they attempt to use you as their personal pony. You serve as the stand-in Swiffer to quickly retrieve all of their food items that hit the floor during mealtime. You even let P and I have about 40% of the bed at night. You know I love you.
I know you can’t do anything about your snoring (which is louder than that of an 80 year-old man) or your shedding, and that’s OK.
But I feel you are not living up to your potential, especially as it pertains to your income, and we should talk about that.
Look. I know your breed is prone to laziness and weight gain — much like myself, which is probably part of the reason we always got along so well. But I’ve noticed a certain, shall we say, advertising surge in the use of pugs lately. And I wonder why you’ve expressed no interest in riding this money wave.
It seems that everywhere I turn, there’s a pug on TV, in a print ad or in some sort of product placement. Petco. Bissell. Pedigree. Even the kid on Dino Dan has a pug with a prominent role. I have to believe these are lucrative arrangements.
And then, I saw this.
A Super Bowl ad. Are you kidding me? We have to get in on this before the tide turns and Schnauzers become all the rage.
Now, maybe you’re feeling insecure about your middle-aged physique. I’m here to tell you that these Hollywood pugs have nothing on you. The Doritos pug — he could stand to lose a few pounds, too. It’s really just a matter of getting out there, being yourself and giving it a shot.
I know you have a certain lifestyle you’d like to maintain, and I never want to take that from you. Those twisty beef tendon treats you love to get your paws on — you know, the Flossies that are like vials of crack to you? The gravy train can’t last forever, my friend. That plush travel bed for the car? Not free. The hijacking of my fine Italian leather overnight bag for your personal lounging? Come on.
We’re working hard here, pal. And, like you, our age is starting to wear on us a bit. I’m not trying to pimp you out — all I’m saying is that you could chip in from time to time. So, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a first attempt of a portfolio for you.
I think this one shows what a natural you are. Calm and collected, the reliable family dog. Perhaps not happy about being in photos, but we’ll keep that between us.
And everyone needs a good head shot. I think this works.
You’re probably still upset about this from Halloween, but you really were the hit of the neighborhood. I thought your animal cruelty remark was taking things a bit far. And, see? Now we can showcase your wardrobe versatility and million dollar smile.
Yes, there are perils that come with a life of fame, it’s true. But you have a good head on your shoulders, so I’m not worried about you getting caught up in the partying, rawhide-consumption lifestyle with the Glamour Dog crowd. I know you’ll always stay grounded and true to your roots, lazing about the house.
So, what do you think? I see no reason why these other pugs should have all the
college tuition money glory. If your look is in right now, let’s at least talk about making that work for the family.
Right after you finish that nap.