CSI: New Jersey

It is clear to me that my husband has been watching far too many crime and forensics shows on TV.  

It started with some lost keys.

The following string of events occurred on my last day of work, which explains why this whole story was not immediately communicated to me by my husband — I had a lot going on.  And he was handling the situation.  Like Gary Sinise or David Caruso.

Our then-nanny had our one year-old daughter at the Stop & Shop.  Somewhere between arrival and departure, she couldn’t find the keys to our car.  She swore she had them at the check out in order to present the little key chain-held savings card to the cashier.  And then they were gone.  She suspected the woman in front of her on line accidentally picked them up from the payment counter top area.

Problem was, the supermarket employees not only weren’t helpful, but they didn’t seem to care at all.

So the keys were gone.

She said she’d pay for a new set, but it’s not cheap to replace the remote lock and all that nonsense.  This is when my husband decided to draw upon his well-formed knowledge of TV’s best crime and mystery shows to go all Ice-T and take matters into his own hands. 

So he calls the Stop & Shop and speaks directly with the store manager.  Seems about right.

“And then I asked her to just pull the tape at check out.”

“Excuse me?  Did you just say ‘pull the tape'”?

“Yeah.  Pull the tape.  So we could see what happened to the keys.”

I started looking around the kitchen to see if Sam Waterston or the ghost of Jerry Orbach was in on this.  (And if the latter, could I get him to say “Nobody puts baby in a corner” just once?)

I laughed at my husband a little.  OK, a lot.

“There’s no tape to pull.  This isn’t the eighth precinct.  It’s the suburban Stop & Shop  — the one with the nice low-cal ice cream selection — across the street from the soccer field.”

{On a related note, I’m wondering at this point — priorities intact, as always — if this is why I have no new stash of Skinny Cow ice cream bars in the freezer.}

Pulling the tape.  Nice try.

My Ice-T smirked. 

“They totally pulled the tape.”

“Shut the fuck up.  There was no tape.”

“Oh, there was tape.  And the tape showed, just as suspected, that the previous woman on the line took our car keys off the payment counter and put them in her coat pocket.”

I was blinking audibly.  I was still stuck on the fact that there was tape.  And that we were talking like this.  Soon we’d be saying “perps.”

Then.

“And,” My Ice-T says.

“And?”

“And.  The woman who took the keys had just swiped her Stop & Shop savings card at the register, so the manager got her contact information.  And called her.  And she drove our keys back over to the store.”

Come.  On.

Our suburb is so hard core with their tape pulling, their forensic fact-finding.  And My Ice-T totally shook them down for the information.  Bad asses all around.

Who knew?

Speaking of questions, do you have a few?  If you were me, you might. 

Namely, how did the nanny and my one year-old get home that day without the car keys? 

“Oh, that.  She just had some store employee give them a lift home.”

Uhhhh.  What? 

My Ice-T thought this was a minor detail. 

And this is when I took out the overhead light and began my own interrogation session.

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Comments

  1. Carrie says:

    oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!! This made me laugh so so hard!!! HAAAA! I love it.

    Pull the tape! Genius.

    I need my husband to read this because when he loses his keys, wallet, phone (3x a day) he usually stomps around the house, keeping his eyes at eye level so as to be sure not to detect one single lost item, and yells to our 3 year old “AUGIE! have you seen dada’s keys? AUGIE! have you seen dada’s wallet?”

    I really, really, really love the surprise ending. You are very very funny!

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks Carrie — I appreciate it! Next time your husband loses something, we’ll get my husband on the case.
      As for the ending, it was really only the beginning. I kind of freaked.

  2. Love it!

  3. Markus says:

    Shut the Front Door! Too friggin’ funny!

    However, for anyone who has known your husband for any length of time, this should come as no real surprise! If you look far enough back in his family tree, I am certain there is a distant relation to Sherlock Holmes.

    He is, after all, the same person who purchased concert tickets from someone on Craigslist, and after picking up the tickets (which turned out to be not the only set for those seats) had the prescient thought come across that told him “I think I smell a rat – these tickets might be fakes”.

    This led to P trailing the “perp” in and out of restaurants, stores, bars and the thoughout bottom 38 floors of the Empire State Building! And what happened in the end? The perp was caught, P testified, and STILL ended up seeing the concert from the best seats in the house!

    Gary Sinise and David Caruso ain’t got NOTHIN’ on him!

    • fordeville says:

      Yes, it’s true. A simple rip off on Craigslist resulted in P testifying against the perp in a massive fraud case. So, you’re right — I should have seen this coming. But this was the first time we’ve had to pull tape.

      I can only imagine what’s next.

      • Markus says:

        You’re right…it’s a bit of a downward spiral. Of course, if you come up empty on birthday ideas, there’s always a forensic analysis or fingerprint kit available on Ebay!

  4. As much as this cracked me up, I have to say, totally impressed.

    Now, I just wish my husband could find some way to makes his hours and hours invested in World of Warcraft useful. I mean, we don’t own guns or magical creatures or anything, so I’m pretty sure his time has been wasted. Great. Just great.

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks Elizabeth!
      You raise a good point about where all this other TV-based “knowledge” goes. So while my husband pulled through on the forensics front, I have to say that the endless hours of “How It’s Made” have not resulted in us manufacturing anything helpful here. Yet.

  5. Patty says:

    I freaking LOVE it!

    “Pull the tape!” I so want to get a chance to use that someday! Nice job hubby!

    Umm, hello nanny…a stranger too you home??? Now that’s weird!

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks Patty — glad you liked it. I think I want to use “Pull the tape!” next somehow in a casino. I’ll take it as a personal challenge to find a way.

  6. J-Fo says:

    Seriously, that was my favorite story yet! I wish I was there to witness that exchange. I love P!!

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks :)
      You, in particular, would have definitely enjoyed the in-person recap. The man is nothing if not thorough.

  7. OK, First of all, this is hilarious. I’m especially fond of funny posts so I’m becoming addicted to your blog. Second, I say kudos to your huz for the crafty detective work. Ice-T would be proud. Third, your nanny brought your one year old baby home in a stranger’s car? Did you freak at the nanny? Fire her? Give her a stern talking to?

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks so much — glad you enjoyed.
      As for the third point, I would have erupted into flames if I still needed the nanny going forward — but since I stopped working, no fiery conversation ensued.

  8. Great ending line. Seriously, men have different priorities don’t they? Although he DID get the keys back. Well done, Ice-T, well done.

    • fordeville says:

      They do have different priorities. If I had the energy, I’d debate him on why that last point was, say, the most critical. But I had to use it on being impressed with his bad ass forensics skills.

  9. Luisa Megale says:

    Achingly funny – not letting my husband NEAR this post

    • fordeville says:

      Don’t. Because then your kid will also get the privilege of riding around town in a stranger’s car.

  10. Ilana says:

    That is some impressive detective work. I am calling your husband the next time I lose my keys. Tip: Tell him to say— they are in your bag, you just haven’t looked hard enough.

  11. Thanx for linking to Time Travel Tuesday – its fun isn’t it.
    Loving the posts – of course I am not getting anything done ;)

    Every time I read Ice-T, I kept on seeing that blonde wife of his, Coco … now there is a sight!

  12. Karen says:

    That is hilarious!

    Stopping by from Time Travel Tuesday. I stumbled, followed and Liked your post on FB! My post is http://practicalfrugality.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-book-reviews-are-important.html

  13. SOOOO funny. Found this through the Linky on Kelley’s Break Room. I can’t believe there was a tape!
    And seriously, the man never thought to go Rut-Row, my child is in a stranger’s car with no car seat?

    • fordeville says:

      I think he was so pre-occupied with his forensic success that the obvious child-well being questions hadn’t occurred to him just yet. Don’t worry — the nanny is gone and I have an extra set of keys on me.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  14. Holy shizzlesticks. That is AWESOME.
    I’m calling your husband the next time I lose something at Stop & Shop.
    Not that I know who he is. But I bet he could find out who I am pretty quickly with those badass investigatory skillz he’s got.

  15. Kelley says:

    This was so funny! I love pretending I’m Ice-T. My show is The First 48. They are always pulling tapes on that show. I’m going to starting using that line about pulling the tape, too. Ha! Cracked me up.

    (Thanks for linking up with the #findingthefunny party. Hope you come back next week!)

  16. Heather says:

    That was hilarious! I added a link to this post in one of my upcoming posts because it is just that funny. I hope that was ok! If not, let me know and I’ll get rid of it.

    I found you through Finding the Funny!

  17. sparkling74 says:

    That’s an awesome story and of course I wanted to know how they got home that day!! I live in suburbia or maybe it’s rural, but I know that even we have tape. I wouldn’t expect that we could get it pulled, but given that I have taught almost every employee in the store, it might be possible to coerce someone into pulling the tape. I love it. That’s my new favorite expression. Found you at Anna and Kelley’s linkup.

  18. Anna says:

    I love this! Love it! You are clearly a story-teller. And so funny – I too was dying to know how they got home (of course all of us mothers are wanting to know that!)

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny. Hope to see you on Wednesday!
    Anna

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  1. [...] CSI: New Jersey by @Fordville A very entertaining post about one husband putting to use his clever TV detective skills. Love it! [...]

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