Pint-Sized Teachers

If someone asked you to name ten lessons your child(ren) could teach you, what would you say?

While you think about it, I’ll give you mine.  Well.  I could tell you all about unconditional love, seeing the magic of the world through the eyes of a child or finding new depths of my heart.  All of these things are true.

But, come on, they’re not really that much fun to write about when you consider some of the lesser known alternatives.

So.

I give you the other lessons — the ones that don’t get put in Reader’s Digest or win blue ribbons in scrapbooking.  In no particular order, my kids have taught me the following:

–There is a clear and compelling reason why God invented the epidural.  I have nominated it to be the Eighth Wonder of the World.

–The Nugget is its own secret category on the Toddler Food Pyramid.  Without it, children around the world would require intravenous drips to make it to age five.

–Baby gates can only be opened by seasoned professional parents and IKEA engineers.  Oh, and — somehow — by curious toddlers when parents are not looking.

–The Toddler Space/Time Continuum states that wherever a person was last seen, that person resides there.  Forever.  For example, teachers live at nursery school full-time with all the other teachers.  The mailman never wears anything other than a USPS uniform in his/her entire life.

–Turning one’s emotions a full 180 degrees, on a dime — repeatedly — is an art form.  It is especially mind-blowing impressive when the person in question is under three feet tall.

–All that sleep you thought you “required” before you had kids was laughable.  If you get more than five consecutive hours now, you feel downright indulgent.

–Genetics and karma conspire to mix in an evil bunson burner, and then come back and kick every parent’s ass.  In my case, for every stubborn fiber in my being, my kids inherited four.  And the genes mutate to become stronger with each generation.

–Breast pumps are the work of the devil himself.  Ask any mom who used one.  She never wants to see that black bag again and experiences a visceral reaction just talking about it.  {Ditto for any husband who ever witnessed a pumping session.  This may be accompanied by a scream of “My eyes — they burn!”}

–You can learn more Spanish and Mandarin from a few hours of Nick Jr. than you did in all of high school.

—Yo Gabba Gabba can result in parental flashbacks to college parties that may or may not have involved hallucinogenics.

–Touching different foods together on the same plate is a crime punishable by epic tantrum.  Said tantrums will last longer than the shelf life of the food itself.  So just do yourself a damn favor and buy the plates with the little Mason/Dixon-like borders to segregate the foods.

See what great teachers my kids are?  And we haven’t even entered elementary school yet.  I can only imagine what the next ten items on my list will bring.

What would you add?