Good news: I’ve decided to start my holiday shopping early this year.
Bad news: I not motivated and, therefore, am easily distracted. As you’re about to see.
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So. A few days ago, 17 catalogs — really, 17 — arrived in my mailbox in the hopes of getting my holiday attention and dollars. Most of them were from places I never shopped at before. Or even heard of, in some cases (what the hell is a Pajama Gram, anyway?). But there was the trusty Pottery Barn Kids catalog, just begging me to overpay for something for my kids.
So I had a quick look. And that’s when my level of distraction increased.
It started on page 78, when I noticed the Gourmet Kitchen Collection, pictured here.
Keep in mind that I’m a woman who is allegedly getting a new basement sometime before 2017, so I have spent a lot of time recently looking at cabinetry, appliances, tile and more. I notice these things. But I didn’t expect to notice — no, envy — them on a fake kitchen. For toddlers.
But it’s true. I found myself mentally complimenting the features of this PBK kitchen.
Here. Read on for yourselves. The official product description:
“Gourmet Kitchen: We’ve given each piece of our compact kitchen interactive elements that encourage creative play in preschool age kids. You’ll find knobs that spin, a pull-out dishwasher drawer, spinning temperature dials, a soap pump that goes up and down, and an ice machine with four wood ice cubes.”
I admired its updated features and layout, blocking out the fact that this was for pretend cooking.
And then, it hit me. This kitchen was bigger and nicer than the one in my first Manhattan apartment.
See? That’s the kitchen in question. You can’t see the sides because, well, there was no room stand inside of said room while taking photos of those angles. There was a small, non-standard sized refrigerator and dishwasher. Small. But, unlike the PBK model, I did not have an ice maker. Or dials that spun reliably. Or a built-in soap pump.
Hmmm. Could it be that the PBK toddler set had access to better appointed household items than, say, adult urban dwellers on a fixed budget?
I was on to something, I thought. And then it was confirmed on page 116.
Behold: The Cottage Loft Bed.
“…our magical loft bed has French white paneled siding, French green shutters, decorative window boxes and an attic window. Inside you’ll find plenty of room for an activity table, play kitchen and toys…”
I had to refill my wine.
Let’s go back to my studio apartment in Manhattan circa 2002, shall we? No French white paneled siding. No French green shutters. No French anything, except a very stinky and creepy dude in his 60s who lived on my floor and occasionally stole my mail. And we’ve covered the kitchen.
My apartment had plenty of room for — well, let’s see — not much at all. A bed, a desk, a love seat, a table and a bookcase. After walking up four floors. Past the stinky/creepy French dude’s apartment.
So, it’s official: The PBK Cottage Loft Bed is both nicer and bigger than the entire home I had as a grown adult on my own.
Sad but true.
I feel it’s my duty now to impart some wisdom to young city people with modest budgets: Find yourselves a spoiled niece or nephew and move into their fucking pimped-out PBK playroom. Because it will be so much more comfortable than your crappy studio. And — hey — they can make you a killer vinaigrette reduction sauce while admiring their pre-school reflections in the stainless steel appliances.
Yes, say goodbye to that nasty, overpriced apartment and live large in the playroom. Do it. Now. I know, the local social scene may not be exactly what you’re looking for, but I have no doubt that the next PBK catalog is going to have an amazing play mini bar for your comfort and convenience.
Now, back to my holiday shopping.