Listen Up, Santa

Dear Santa,

Unless you have finally started to suffer that inevitable hearing loss after years of screaming kids on your lap, you’ve undoubtedly heard my kids’ Christmas requests.  In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone in a 25-mile radius has heard them cite, at the ready, what they would like you to bring down the chimney for them in t-minus 17 days.  Correct me if I’m wrong, Santa, but that’s really soon and, presumably, you have your house in order.  Right?  I hope so, because I sure as hell don’t.

Anyway.  Enough about the kids.  Can we move on to me for a second?  Because it has been a long year and I’ve been a good girl.  Mostly. Well, relatively.  Whatever.  The point is that I’d like to make sure I don’t get overlooked in this whole down-the-chimney endeavor.  Alternatively, I can leave the front door wide open if it’s easier, because the last thing I need is to be sued for your injuries on my property.  As you may know, I am already up to my scalp in an endless renovation that is sucking the life out of me.

Back to my list.  It’s short.

No, I don’t want expensive clothes or that ribbon-wrapped Lexus.  And please, whatever you do, don’t go to Jared.

Since you can’t deliver my youth or four extra hours of sleep every night to me, I would like this:

Yes, Santa.  Bring me a Keurig coffee machine.  Check your damn list twice — or more, if you have to — and get me some K-Cup action {this sounds dirtier than I intended}.

What’s that?  You’re confused by my request?  Yes, I know — I am a Starbucks junky/loyalist/quasi-shareholder.  And I don’t take my FourSquare mayorship over there lightly, as it took 108 visits (also known as approximately $378) to reach this notable achievement.  Without my leadership over there, who will make sure that the line forms to the right?  Who will see to it that the Crazy Super Fit Moms don’t suffer a fat overdose and, by extension, a nervous breakdown by erroneously being served — gasp — whole milk in their drinks?

But, as much as I enjoy my daily stops at Starbucks, it’s not always convenient.  Or easy.  Or cheap (see figure above).  So I’ve been considering the alternatives.  First, there was the obvious intravenous drip of espresso solution.  And, although highly appealing, I guess it would appear unseemly at my weekly playgroup.  Another option would be to give up caffeine entirely.  But that won’t work either, since there is not a local methadone clinic where I can detox before picking up the kids from pre-school.  One of the many drawbacks of suburbia.

Plus, I hear I can now purchase Starbucks blends in K-Cup sizes, so I don’t lose my entire Starbucks buzz experience if I convert to the Keurig.  I know, it’s not the same as a latte, but I’ll bet that, for a premium, I’ll soon be able to purchase an upgrade to the Keurig model that comes with its own barista.  And that’s really the win there, Santa.  In fact, I bet Keurig has that in the works to coincide with their Mother’s Day marketing plan.

So.  I want the Keurig for Christmas.  Please.  I think my reasons are clear and compelling.

Is that all?  Well, since you’re asking, there are a few other things:

–A case of wine.  Or five.  Ask my husband which kind I like best, since he is in charge of tracking my fickle taste.

–A new General Contractor.  Oh hell, skip that and just give me a shiny new basement, like the one that was supposed to be finished in late September.

–Oh, and a lifetime supply of Purel.  Since my two year-old is about to start potty training — and I so love a public restroom.

All of that would be great.  But, to be clear, the coffee is the priority.

Please don’t let me down.  I promise to leave your Italian hero sandwich in its usual place on Christmas Eve -- I hope you enjoy it.  It’s so funny, my dad has always liked those too…

Thanks in advance, big guy.  See you soon and good luck with the last-minute prep.

* * *

{This post was part of Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.  The prompt was “An Open Letter to Santa.”}

Mama’s Losin’ It

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Comments

  1. I have questions about these one-cup, hot beverage wonder machines?

    Is the available selection of coffee of quality?

    When you pop in a hot chocolate or tea thingie, how does it not come out tasting like coffee? (Nothing makes me crazier at catered work events than pouring myself hot water from a carafe to make a cup of tea and said carafe has previously been used to hold coffee. It’s like skunk. I’ve become the Separate Carafe Police.)

    How do you adjust for the size of the cup? Those individual flavor thingies are all the same size it seems. So, if I want a bigger cup of coffee, can I have one or do I have to spend my day making several small cups of coffee?

    Is it easy to clean? One of the commercials I saw for a similar machine talks about a cleansing rinse between flavors, sort of like a hot beverage bidet. Where does the water from that cleansing rinse end up? On my counter? Do I have to dirty another cup to catch it?

    Enquiring minds want to know.

    • fordeville says:

      Excellent questions. I’m going to have to refer you to my friend Krinn (see her comment on this post) — she can clearly address every item and possibly even brew you a sample cup.

    • sparkling74 says:

      Fear not, I am well versed in the keurig realm.

      Most keurigs have options for sizes. K-ster insisted we get the B60 model because it has FIVE, that’s right, 5 size options, the biggest one being that of a medium coffee at DUnkin Donuts. So no, you don’t have to make more than one cup to get a good sized coffee, but you do need the model that allows for a 14 oz option. The lower models only go to 10 or 12.

      I have found that when I use the little filter thing with my own coffee, I do get an overflow of coffee grounds around the k cup holder and that means that future brews will taste like coffee even if they are tea. They claim it’s not possibly for that to happen because of the way the water drips through the k-cup but I have proof.

      I have never cleaned the machine, as in running water through to clean it out. oops. 2 years plus and I’ve never done that. I’m sure we are drinking nothing but poison at this point. But if you understand how the machine works, there should be no need to clean it because the coffee itself never gets inside the machine where the water goes through. The k-cup holder could probably use a cleaning but I am lazy. I do clean the water holder on a regular basis, though probably not as regularly as I should.

      You also have to know this. ALL, I repeat ALL of the hot chocolate varieties have Splenda (sucralose ) or acesulphame potassium in them as their sweetener. This is a real shame because I love hot chocolate but I can’t tolerate the artificial sweeteners. Believe me, I have read the ingredients on EVERY box of hot chocolate and I’ve even had to search online to find out. I don’t know why some can’t just use sugar!!

      This is one of the best appliances I have ever bought. We do 1-2 cups per day and it’s been over 2 years and nary a problem. Well worth the $100 or whatever that I paid for it. I’m also a super sleuth with finding the cheapest k-cups to continue to make it worth it.

  2. Krinn says:

    Ah the almighty Keurig. I received mine for Christmas last year. I’m willing to tell anyone who stands too close to me and mentions coffee that the Keurig is the second best kitchen invention ever, right behind the microwave. (It would take a lot to top the microwave as it provides most meals to my family.) I love all things Keurig. I’m already two cups of coffee and one hot chocolate in today and it’s only noon. In the summer it provides me with iced coffee and a wonderful iced tea lemonade mix which mixes beautifully with sweet tea vodka. Along with the Keurig last year I also received a Starbucks gift card from the big man. While the Keurig has brewed away day in and day out the gift card didn’t even leave my wallet until October for the advent of the pumpkin spice latte. Yes, the Keurig is that good. I hope that Santa comes through for you and that your love affair with the Keurig is as deep as mine!!!

    • fordeville says:

      We are kitchen soul sisters, my friend — from the microwave ruling the house, to you finding a way to use the Keurig for your favorite summer cocktail. Now I’m even more excited about how this appliance is going to change my life. Oh, and have you considered Keurig about begin their national spokesperson yet? You totally should — you can sell it!

  3. The ZB says:

    I hope you get your Keurig! It sounds like you’d be a worthy adversary for Santa if it doesn’t happen. And I totally feel you on the home renovations thing! I’ve had to live with my in-laws for seven freaking months now while our house undergoes massive repairs. Meanwhile, a neighbor’s house has been torn down and a new one completely rebuilt in its place in that same amount of time. *stab*

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks for stopping by!
      I had to stop reading at “lived with my in-laws for seven freaking months.” I’m so sorry.
      And I expect Ground Zero to be rebuilt before my reno is done.

  4. Markus says:

    I’m hoping Santa comes through, and I hope you’re as happy as Krinn!

    And by the way – I love the fact that the first three comments, in the Holiday spirit, discussed bidets, sweet tea vodka and seven months of in-laws. Too funny!

    Which gives me an idea, more of a request actually (as I’m singing “seven months of in-laws”) – how about the Fordeville Twelve Days of Christmas? It could become an annual tradition!

    Please Santa, please?!?!?

    • fordeville says:

      That would be fun but you may have overestimated my creativity. But ever eager to please one of my three loyal readers, I will work on it.

  5. Ninja Mom says:

    I stopped reading after the glamor shot of the Keurig. Yes, please.

  6. I am madly and deeply in love with my Keurig coffee machine. So quick and easy. I couldn’t handle our early AM pre-bus-stop routine without it!
    I really hope you get one.
    I KNEW you’d be mayor of that Starbucks some day!
    I did the same Mama Kat’s prompt this week as well as a whole second post listing tons of crap I want for Christmas. #ItsAllAboutMe

    • fordeville says:

      The Starbucks mayorship was a tough one to win. I practically had to duel a wifi-sucking day trader for the job. Now I sleep with one eye open.

  7. Jamie says:

    K cup love is on my list too!!!!

  8. oh curse you for adding another thing to my mommy wish list. santa, are you listening? less toys for kids and more coffee for mom!

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