Morning TV & Mr. Zero

I’m having a little problem with re-entry into the real world after my week in Spain.

Where is room service to clean up this mess?

Where is my wine with lunch?

And, for the love of all that is holy, where are the churros con chocolate for breakfast?

{On a related note, does anyone have a tarp or a drop cloth I can wear for the next few weeks?  Preferably something lightweight.  Just until I shed the 671 vacation pounds and am able to resume life with buttons at the waistline.}

But I’m not ready to post much more about my trip yet.  Because that would mean it happened in the past and it’s over.  And that can’t be.  So please indulge my denial for a day or two.

Let’s instead talk about current events.  Two in particular.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to raise a health care debate.

1)  Ann Curry: Don’t Let The Door Hit You in the Ass on the Way Out

I mean, who says Christmas only comes once a year?  Finally, I can resume watching my morning show of choice after a year-long, self-imposed exile.  I returned from vacation to find out that, at long last, the NBC News execs had come to their senses and dropped Ann.

It was like getting a pet unicorn.  Wrapped in a rainbow.

OK, now go ahead and be mad at me.  I know, I know.  Poor Ann.  

Here’s the thing: I’m not saying she’s not nice.  I bet she’s lovely to have dinner with.  And I do love her hair.  Yes, I feel sorry for her — it has to be brutally embarrassing to lose your job this way.  Except for that, um, $10 million parachute.  That might cushion the blow, if it were me.  I’m shallow like that.

BUT.

I’m sorry, she was a terrible fit for the job.  I actually felt physically uncomfortable watching her.  I suspect that, over time, her bosses also felt the same way.  But instead of enduring the publicity associated with firing her, I’m somewhat convinced that they have discreetly been trying to kill her off for the past few years instead.

  • We need someone to scale an actively erupting volcano and report from its mouth:  Let’s send Ann.
  • That incoming tsunami needs someone on low-lying ground to see the impact:  Get Ann a small dinghy to report from.
  • Angelina Jolie wants to convince America she has a soul:  Ann will go visit the belly of the beast.  Or its exposed leg.

But Nine Lives Curry just kept on bouncing back and showing up for work.  And screwing up every other word on the news.  So the messy public firing eventually happened.

That’s just one theory, of course.  Call me prone to exaggeration.

And fear not, Ann Curry fans.  She will still be all over NBC.  But I can safely digest my morning coffee again, which is nice.

 

2)  Nora Ephron:  Say It Isn’t So

Far more sad is the news that Nora Ephron passed away.  What an amazing writer.  Silkwood.  Heartburn.  Sleepless in Seattle.

And of course, When Harry Met Sally.  It was the first movie I ever went to see more than once in the theater (four times, to be precise).  Maybe because it borrows heavily from my very favorite movie, Annie Hall.  Or maybe just because it’s so smart and continues to be one of the key romantic comedies that set the standard.

When I went to grad school for screenwriting (see: “How to set money on fire”), I tried so hard to write a decent romantic comedy.  And it’s incredibly difficult to do.  I suppose that’s why I’m sitting on my couch typing about basement renovations and pre-school.

Anyway, Nora Ephron did it exquisitely well.  And since I never miss an opportunity to swap movie quotes with other willing participants, can we just talk about When Harry Met Sally for a minute?  Here are some of my favorite lines from this movie.

  • “How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that’s your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.”
  • “Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce before you did?”
  • “Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man… but humpin’ and pumpin’ is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. ‘Do it to me Sheldon, you’re an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.’ Doesn’t work.”
  • “Eventually things move on and you don’t take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, ‘How come you never take me to the airport anymore?'”
  • “Someday, believe it or not, you’ll go 15 rounds over who’s gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.”
  • “Six years later, you find yourself singing ‘Surrey With a Fringe on Top’ in front of Ira!”
  • “Oh but ‘Baby Fish Mouth’ is sweeping the nation.”

And, let’s not forget…

YouTube Preview Image

OK, so maybe that’s not a quote as much as the entire end of the film.  But still.  It never gets old.  {Plus, I got married in the building where they shot that scene, so I have a real weakness for it.}

So thanks, Nora Ephron, for doing what most of us could never do.

 

And can we all pretend that I’m still on vacation?  Thanks.

 

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I’m Really Going

 

Well, it’s almost here.  My big trip.  The one I am giving myself for that 40th birthday celebration I keep extending.

I’m off to Madrid for a week!

I can’t even believe it.

Here’s the thing:  Madrid has a special, special place in my heart.  I studied there for a semester in college and fell in love with it.

Like many others who studied abroad will tell you, I think this may have been the best time I ever had (except, of course, for meeting my husband — and having my kids — and whatever else would cause someone to be offended by omission).  I went with four other classmates and we were together all the time.  Not only because we liked each other and needed all five brains to form a Spanish paragraph, but because we shared the smallest apartment in the history of the world.  And I stand by that statement after living in New York City for 16 years.

It was a crazy and lovely time.  We learned to speak Spanish (mostly).  We attended class from time to time.  We traveled around Europe with backpacks as long as our bodies, sleeping on train station floors and staying in highly questionable youth hostels.  We wreaked havoc on various foreign cities.  The world seemed to be quite literally at our feet.

But above all, we had a love affair with Spain.

It’s a place that has just stuck with me, and I’ve been wanting to go back for 19 years.  But it never happened, for various reasons.  There were other places to go that I’d never seen before.  There were logistics.  And kids.  And work.  And bills.  And life.

But now, I’m going.  With one of my best friends, Rebecca, who was in that original study abroad group with me.

Here we are, amidst our 1993 European escapades.  Apparently, we thought that a mere scarf would make us look less American and more fashionable when standing outside the Roman Colosseum.

Notsomuch.

This time we’ll try not to look like unfashionable twins.  And we’ll shower more than we did the last time.

We’re also meeting up with two of our native Madrid friends who showed us the ropes of their great city back then.  I’ve kept in touch with them sporadically via Facebook, Twitter and {thank God} Google Translation.  So it will be fabulous to see them all these years later.

And then we will see another one of the original Study Abroad Five {aka “Somos cinco“}, who now lives in Zurich.

And my husband will come over for part of the week too.

And our good friends from Boston.

It’s a pop-up birthday party in Spain.  I feel so, so lucky.

It’s hard to know what it will be like to go back.  What I mean is that obviously it’s different to visit a place than to live in it, to know it day in and day out.  When we studied lived there, we had our daily routine, a way of life dictated by attending school.  {By “attending school,” I mean planning the next excursion over cafe con leche and churros when we should have been in class.}

But a seven-day visit, almost 20 years later, is surely going to be much more touristy in nature.  Just the highlights.  Although we will likely be found with cafe con leche and churros pretty frequently again.

In my mind’s eye, I remember how magnificent Madrid is.  Very chic and yet very traditional. I remember the Spanish sky.  I remember the food.  The coffee.  The people.  The wine.  The cheese.

I’m going.  Holy shit, I’m going.

Yes, I’ve built it all up in my head from nostalgia overload, though I highly doubt Madrid could disappoint me.

And of course, we all know that Spain is experiencing some serious economic issues right now, which is very unfortunate.  However, I am taking it as my personal challenge and responsibility to jump-start the economy through seven days of wine and cheese consumption.  Possibly with a side of shoes.  I can do it.  I know I can.  Rebecca will also be contributing substantially.

Then there is the issue of language.  My Spanish is rusty, to say the least.  I was once nearly fluent.  Now I can get by.  Kind of.  My husband does not believe me — he thinks I’m being modest.  So let’s just say he’s in for quite the surprise when I can only manage to order us a taco or direct him to the bathroom.

But, thankfully, I have been watching enough Dora and Diego with my kids to get some key Spanish skills back, though the topics at hand are somewhat limited.  For instance, I can basically name all jungle animals, which will help if I see an urban tiger roaming the streets of Madrid.  And I can also name a few landmarks, Dora-style {“Lake, cave, murky mud puddle — say it with me!”} in Spanish.  But also wine.  And cheese.  And, “Excuse me, how much for those stunning leather shoes that will look terribly out of place at pre-school drop-off?”

But I’m going.

I’ve been conditioning myself to leave my kids for a full week.  And they’ve had enough behavioral episodes recently that I feel pretty good about bidding them adios for seven days.  Of course I’ll miss them, though.

But I’m going.  My SPF 5,000,000 is packed.

I have visions of urban roaming with no real agenda.  Just some wandering, some wine, some food.  Taking it all in.  Relishing a very different place for a week.  Embracing a break from the daily grind.  Remembering a nearly perfect time in my life and being grateful to revisit it with my husband and good friends.

I doubt I’ll do a blog post while I’m there, mostly because my hands will be too sticky from the churros to type.  But, fear not, my international data plan is purchased.  So if you want to follow along, I will definitely be posting photos on Instagram and Facebook.  They will probably include various shots of cheese, and perhaps Rebecca and I revisiting our favorite spots.  And my husband’s confused face when I’ve directed him to the wrong restroom, as he finally realizes that my Spanish is que horrible after all these years.

But I’m going!

This turning 40 gig may not be so bad after all.

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Comings & Goings

Not to sound all Girl Scouty, but girlfriends are gold.  Seriously.

If you’re anything like me, you have a precious few go-to gals in your life.  You can text them with random shit like your bad parenting moments. Or the Code Red crisis of Trader Joe’s discontinuing your favorite wine.  Or your catty commentary about the local mom who is wearing a thong bikini to Mommy & Me Swim Class {because we all hate her, don’t we?}. Or you can sit with them over coffee, wine, or a wheel of brie the size of your head, and just gab away.  About nothing.  Or about life-changing things.  They are equally interchangeable.

If you’re anything like me, you don’t find these go-to gals often.  So when one of them moves away, it kind of blows.  For lack of a more elegant way of saying it.

So this week I’m standing right in front of a revolving door of these fabulous friendships.  I have to see one off while welcoming another one back.

My good friend here in town is leaving our utopian New Jersey.  Something about her husband taking a new job and they all need to live together as a family, blah, blah, blah.  Ladies of Northern Virginia, you are lucky to have her.  If you dissuade her in any way from coming back to the fine Garden State at some point, you’ll have to answer to me.  Because I will forever be looking at potential new homes for her around here that could connect to my house via underground wine cellar/tunnel. Although this may mean a modification to my renovated basement.  In the meantime, I have to convince her to go to her favorite local bar one last time.  I’m concerned that they can’t survive the revenue hit of her absence without some advance contingency planning.  And that would be bad for others who are left behind.  Like me.

As I send her off, I’m awaiting a flight from Tokyo to land.  Finally.  After five years, I get another dear friend back on US soil for good.  This fabulous friend — one I met at work back in 1998 and navigated the crazy Single in Manhattan Years with — was another casualty of the Husband Job Transfer.  She picked up and left our beloved Manhattan in 2007 — promising to be back in about three years.  She and her husband had their daughter in Japan, with no family around.  They dealt with the devastation and insanity of last year’s earthquake.  They came to visit now and then, but the question always rang out of my demanding mouth — When are you moving back?!!  {Or maybe it was more like, Enough of this shit already — just move back!}  So what if they are two years late?  They’re back!  And moving to New Jersey, no less. It must be the hard sell I gave them.  Or the location of her husband’s job.  Either one.

This revolving door is a little dizzying.  But I guess it’s a little bit of kismet — the happiness of welcoming one back will distract me from how sad I am to see the other one go.

If you’re anything like me, you are starting to think that all husbands should just work via Skype and not have to relocate their families anymore.

And if you’re anything like me, you’re always happy to have your go-to gals.  Wherever they live.

 

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Breaking Up With Adele

“Fiiiiiiiire to the raaaaaaiiiinnnn…”

Ugh.  I change the station in the car.

“Rollin in the deee-eeee-eee-eeep…”

Wait, she’s on another station.

“I wish nothing but the best for yooooooouuuuuuuu…”

And another.

It’s a hostile takeover.  Or at least a clinically depressed one.

We are a nation overdosing on Adele.  And if misery loves company, I’m not sure what to think about our collective mental state.

Well, I’m taking a stand.  I’m breaking up with Adele.  I can’t take it anymore.

At home I can control my Adele intake.  I am in charge.  I can say no.  But the car?  It’s just not a safe zone.  The minute I realize I don’t have a CD of my choice inserted and find that the radio is on — it’s already too late.  I am bombarded with heartache and loss.

Adele has a lovely, lovely voice.  She is super-talented.  And I do love me some of that retro bee-hive hair.  But we have to part ways, for the sake of my sanity and for the safety of the drivers around me.

I realize I may be going it alone here.  And it’s a risky move, especially after finally being sprung from my post-Oprah-bashing Witness Protection assignment.

But here is what will inevitably happen if I am subjected to ongoing Adele overload.

 

 

It’s important to understand the risks.  And I think we can all agree that it takes a lot for me to voluntarily spill my coffee.

So if I see any of you driving hazardously, I’ll know what’s happening in that car.  You’re in an Adele Sound Trap.  Just pull over to the nearest shoulder, insert a distracting CD — and disable your car radio for the next 6-12 months.

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Tales of a Former Kitchen Bitch

Everyone had a hideous first job, right?

I was thinking about mine yesterday, as I tend to do whenever I hear the phrase “Holy mackerel!” {Which, thankfully, is not often.}

Because — and you can file this under Sad But True Facts About Me — that is the name of the little seafood restaurant where I was first gainfully employed.  Oh yes, the now-defunct-but-once-legendary-in-North-Jersey Holy Mackerel Seafood House.  Complete with a fabulous cartoonish fish logo sporting a halo.

My official title:  Kitchen Girl.

My unofficial title:  Kitchen Bitch.

I had to wear a paper hat shaped like a sailor’s cap, coupled with my oldest, grungiest clothes and an apron. It was very glamorous.

Basically, the other Kitchen Bitches and I had to ensure that all of the items were prepped for the cooks and the wait staff.  Here is a list of my job responsibilities in the kitchen, to the best of my recollection.  I may have blocked some of them out.

  • Open huge barrels of pickles (about knee-high), fish out said pickles from freezing and stenchy pickle juice.  Slice into spears and store in fridge.
  • Get yelled at by the cooks.
  • Clean, peel and de-vein hundreds and hundreds of cooked shrimp.
  • Get yelled at by the wait staff.
  • Prepare all desserts.  This entailed hanging by one’s waist over the side of an industrial freezer to scoop out hard ice cream from the bottom of large buckets.
  • Get yelled at by anyone who hadn’t yelled in the last five minutes.
  • And my personal favorite:  On an as-ordered basis, retrieve live lobsters from the tank with bare hands without sustaining a flesh wound.  Deliver to chefs for impending death by boiling water.  Let’s not forget prepping the butter and lemon on the side, along with the dignified lobster bib.

In sum:  I smelled like fish, ice cream and pickles.  While wearing an apron and a paper sailor’s cap.  Oh, and it was about 129 degrees in the kitchen, which gave my skin a nice sheen.  You know, I was basically living every 16 year-old girl’s dream — especially when all of the bus boys and dish washers in the kitchen were my classmates.

But there was an upside (besides the free seafood dinners):  I was friends with the other Kitchen Bitches.  And there were two of us working each shift, so we had a great time in the midst of pickle-slicing, shrimp-cleaning, ice cream-scooping and lobster-chasing escapades.  It’s a good thing we got along, because I can assure you that none of our friends outside of The Holy Mackerel Seafood House wanted to see us after we got out of work.  We just smelled.  Despite our very best efforts with a change of clothes and copious amounts of Aqua Net and Love’s Baby Soft, the scents of The Holy Mackerel were not easily shaken.

So we worked hard in that sweltering kitchen.  We made minimum wage, of course. We built up a unique yet freakish ice cream scooping muscle in our wrists.  We learned the words to Led Zeppelin songs that the cooks would play over and over.  We ate free stuffed flounder for dinner.  We chased the occasional fugitive lobster across the dining room floor while patrons were looking the other way.  We rubbed lemon all over our shriveled up fingers in a futile attempt diminish the fish smell.

And, best of all, we picked up the phone and said, “Holy Mackerel! How can I help you?”  

As bad as all of this sounds, I can honestly say I enjoyed my time as a Kitchen Bitch.  Maybe it was because of my secret  romance with the older bus boy who had a mullet.  Or maybe because I was nearly in the running for the Shrimp Peeling World Record when, on Christmas Eve 1989, I was called in on a “special assignment” — and spent all day peeling 3,000 shrimp for a private party.  Because I had talent.

I did parlay the skills from my first job into some real valuable life experience that I carried with me.  For example, I was well-prepared for an unfortunately long string of sitcom-worthy waitressing gigs in my college years. And if you’re having a lobster bake and need someone to handle your crustacean guests of honor — well, look no further.  I’m your girl.

Don’t be jealous of my rite of passage.  Not everyone can look good in a paper sailor’s cap while sweating profusely and handling shellfish.

In my next life, I’m getting a newspaper route.  If there are still newspapers.

 

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The Basement Epilogue

If you’ve been here before, you may have heard a little something occasionally about a certain basement renovation.  You know, just a casual mention here and there.  Mostly about how it was ruining my life and aging me beyond my years.

To clarify, I’m referring to the basement renovation that started last August 20.  The one with a five-week time frame.

The one that was not, in fact, finished five weeks — or even five months — later.

The one that was finished eight months later.  And by “finished,” I mean for the most part, and as good as it’s going to get without litigation.

Just a mere eight months.  The same time frame it takes to erect an entire subdivision.

During six of those months, I had no laundry machines.  I might have mentioned that a few times.  This meant no ketchup or tomato sauce for my kids.  I also had to consider catheterizing my son overnight.

I’m just kidding.  Partially.  {We totally had ketchup on special occasions.}

For all of you who stuck with me through this, I feel like I owe you the final update.  Plus I need a place to channel my fury.

OK, so let me just pre-empt your questions right here about how five weeks became eight months, and how we could allow this to go on, etc.  The questions where you make me feel like a jackass.  It’s OK — I’m used to these questions.  I would ask them too.

I won’t bore you with the lengthy details of what went wrong.  Suffice it to say when you start messing with the foundation of a 100 year-old house, it may not always go well.  It may in fact come to pass that, in certain places, your house essentially is resting on piles of stones and not a true foundation, per se.  And it may come to pass that the mason who is handling this sub-contracted portion of the job is one slippery motherfucker.

We’ll leave it at that.

I have to wonder how people with those pretty home renovation blogs don’t carry around the same rage that I have.  Clearly, I wasn’t cut out for this.

I mean, I just wanted some extra living space, new laundry machines and room for a wine fridge.  And I didn’t want it to look like the set of a horror movie anymore.  Because here it was.

I mean, tell me this does not scream Poltergeist or The People Under the Stairs to you.

So the project was to be fairly straightforward.  More space.  Better laundry room.  A new bathroom.  No horror movie vibe.  Oh, and better water drainage — which is where the foundation issues began.  And once they started, it was like a domino effect.  On crack.

Let me show you what I mean.

See this?  Not really what we signed up for.

 

 

There was also a lot of this.

 

Which led to a lot of this.

 

And, of course, there was this.  Week in and week out.

 

Which brought me back to this.

It was kind of cyclical.

When we heard that we needed brand new multi-ton steel beams inserted under the length of my house  — to hold it up — I moved on to this.

Because the espresso martini fixes everything.

Except this.

 

But, eventually, we got there.  Even if our patience was shattered.  Even if we called bullshit on every HGTV family ever filmed for one of those shows.  Even if we considered the earn-your-law-school-degree-from-home approach.  Like a prisoner researching his case and trying to get parole.  The two scenarios were not dissimilar.

And now, we have a shiny new basement.  No dumpster in the driveway.  No house shaking as the new beams were moved beneath the Earth.  No ladder to get downstairs.  No profanity spewing episodes (OK, that’s not really true).

Here are some before and after shots.

      

        

       

I’m considering moving down there and making it my apartment.  Forget the Man Cave.  This is a Mom Cave.  Mostly because of the ease with which I can move between the laundry machines and the wine fridge.

Now that it’s all said and done, do I love it?  Yes.

Will I ever complain about doing laundry again?  Nope.

Am I still pissed off about the insanity of the project?  Absolutely.

But — and I know this is crazy — I see how people get the renovation bug.  I do.

In fact, we’ve decided to take our residual renovation rage and channel it to another project this summer:  The Kitchen.

Why get comfortable, right?  And yes, we’ll be using a different contractor.  And medication.

I mean, how bad can it be?

{Crazytown, Party of Two:  Your table is ready.}

 

 

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Training & Conditioning

 

In a few weeks, I’m going on a big trip.  A great trip.  One that I’ve been trying to take for 20 years.  I can’t believe it’s almost here.

And while I’m beyond excited to get going, it will also be the first time I’ve left my kids for an entire week.  Although I tell myself around 7pm every night that this will not be a tough separation, the reality is that it may prove to be harder than I am anticipating.

So there’s really only one prudent thing to do:  Train and condition for this separation from my kids.

I mean, you can’t just run a marathon without preparing for it, right?  Or, as my sister would say, you can’t spend eight hours reaching across a roulette table without stretching your calves.  Same principle applies here.

With this spirit of logic and responsibility in mind, I’m heading to Manhattan tonight with a few of my good friends for a girls’ night out.  We’re going to a great restaurant that is far cooler than we are, and we’re leaving our husbands behind in the burbs for the evening to hang with the kids.  In my absence, it will be solely up to my husband to do the Saturday evening essentials.  Like position oneself strategically on the sidewalk around 7 or 8pm, while appearing to do outdoor chores, to get all the neighborhood gossip.

All women need this change in routine and scenery once in a while, and this just happens to be well-timed with my Kids Separation Preparedness Plan.  Everybody wins.  Well, except for the hipster twenty-something waiter who will roll his eyes at the lushy group of socially deprived moms seated in his section — as he wonders how the hell we scored this reservation at 8pm on a Saturday.

As this is just a baby step in my training program, I’m keeping my goals small and manageable this evening:

  • I will shower before dinner and wear clothing that has no remnants of ice pops, goldfish crackers or chocolate milk.
  • I will eat dinner without cutting anyone else’s food.
  • I will drink wine that was not brought out to my car in a case by my favorite Trader Joe’s employee.  
  • I will, when participating in catty gossip, curse freely without spelling.  As in: “I mean, what the F-U-C-K was that about?”
  • I will not listen to any music in the car that involves The Fresh Beat Band or any character created by Disney or Nick Jr.
  • I will not worry if I miss an opportunity for a life lesson when an emaciated 22 year-old in stilettos crushes my feet in an attempt to get to the bar first. {You’ll never win that race, my pretty.}
  • I will not wait on anyone.  Or rearrange food on a plate to ensure that the pasta and the ketchup ARE NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TOUCHING EACH OTHER. 

{Note to husband on that last point: The kids will go apoplectic if you don’t do this while I’m out.  Just FYI.}

These seem like reasonable goals, no?  I’m totally open to suggestions if you think I’ve missed anything.  Because training properly is important.

And I’m taking it very seriously.

 

 

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