OK, so I know that the last thing you all need is one more person writing about the Olympics. To boot, I have zero qualifications when it comes to organized sports. So my opinion means nothing.
However, if I may — I do have a few quick initial observations to share about the Games of the XXX Olympiad. Because one can’t rely on Bob Costas alone.
1) The Russians’ Secret Weapon
Who can I sue in the Russian Federation for the seizures I’m experiencing as a result of looking at their uniform jackets?
My eyes, they burn.
Remember those pictures from the 1990s when you’d stare long enough and you’d see another image? Like this?
I learned they are called autostereograms. And that’s what these jackets remind me of. Now, it might be a brilliant competitive distraction strategy, but it’s killing me in high definition on my couch at home.
2) Diversifying Bela Karolyi’s Skill Set
I’ve decided that I’d like to hire Bela Karolyi as my General Contractor. More for my personal entertainment value than for his qualifications. I’m reasonably convinced he can make things happen.
3) The Shawshank Effect
How about the Visa commercials with the Morgan Freeman voice over? Is it just me, or do they make you feel all Shawshank Redemption? The only thing I want Morgan Freeman to talk about — ever — is meeting his friend Andy on a Mexican beach after making parole. Perhaps they can incorporate that into the ad: “Parole — it’s everywhere you want to be. Go world.” Or something like that — let me come back to you with some more developed pitches soon.
4) The Independent Olympic Athletes = My Deficiency in Current Events
Did you see the five delegates for the Independent Olympic Athletes (let’s call them the IOA)? Or, like many of us, had you already lost the will to live by that point of the opening ceremony? I’m fascinated by this whole concept. Basically if your country has dissolved (Netherlands Antilles) or a new one has been formed (South Sudan), you’re going all IOA. And, apparently, you’re going to party your ass off at the opening ceremonies. Godspeed, I say.
But the bigger issue, for me personally, is not having known that an entire country dissolved. I missed that one. And yet somehow I’m fully up to speed on the finer points of Suri Cruise’s custody arrangement. I have to revisit my reading lists.
5) Olympic Village Hook Ups
How many STDs do you think emerge from two weeks in the Olympic Village? I mean — athletes in top physical shape, looking to relieve some stress, partying in glorified dorms away from home for two weeks. Just saying.
* * *
The Olympic fun has just begun, my friends. I haven’t even started watching Shooting, Table Tennis or Badminton yet. If my retinas can hold off the long-term effects of those Russian jackets, there will be more to come. Stay tuned.
I watched the entire ceremony and will admit that I was a bit unsure whether I would make it through. The smoke stacks nearly did me in. How pretty! 😐 A bit too much realism for me.
In the end, I enjoyed it. I had the same reaction about the IOAs. WTF???
There should be a medal for making it through the whole thing. With flecks of gold for every obscure country you can place on a map.
Good call on those Russian jackets! I thought it was just bad fashion sense, but a STRATEGY?!? Diabolical.
All part of their Master Plan for Gold, no doubt.
GAWD, I agree on the STD’s!!!! And yet sprinter Lolo Jones is still a virgin. Go figure????? Stopping by from Kelly’s Break Room.
Yeah, they may need to rebrand it Syphilis Village.
Thanks for stopping by!
Is it possible to renounce one’s citizenship while not becoming a citizen of another country? Because I kind of want to join up with those Independent Olympic Athletes delegates. They look like they know how to party.
#findingthefunny
Totally agree. Maybe you can go “soul searching” or on some genealogy quest and do some interim time at the IOA party.
Looking forward to more! Only slightly Olympic-obsessed here 😉 And yes! What is the deal with the IOA?! They are totally have their groove on and looks like so much fun to join up! But how does this work? Do they have their own we’re not a country flag? I need details! I need to understand!
I agree — it’s fascinating, right? Really, what anthem would be played in the event that one of these athletes wins a medal? Probably just a Bieber song.
Yup, definitely Beiber. He may even be part of the crew–wasn’t there at least one member not tearing up the track? This whole splitting with Selena (nation’s darling), is questionably un-American. I can so see the Beibs nurturing a secret athleticism in his spare time from making movies about himself too…
Apparently you missed this: http://www.businessweek.com/videos/2012-08-03/record-olympic-coverage-by-150-000-free-condoms
Oh I missed this indeed. Not sure if I’m more fascinated by the content itself or the fact that Business Week covered this. Hm.
The jackets had that effect on you too? And here I thought it was the pint of vodka I’d swallowed to chase down my Sutter home zinfandel.
Good times BlogHer12. We Jersey girls gotta stick together.
I mean, it easily could have been the White Z vodka chaser. But my money is on the jackets.
{Yay for more Jersey bloggers in the house!}
I have to wonder in what events the members of the IOA actually competed, because I do believe all I’ve seen on NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, MOUSE, DNA, LAPD and YMCA are Americans, Chinese, Great Britain and Russia. All those hundreds of little countries in the opening ceremonies and I’m like, who? From where? Anyone know where the eff THAT is?
If I was a member of the IOA and I won an Olympic Gold, I’d request Margaritaville to be played when I’m on the podium accepting my bling.
Love your blog!
Fellow Jersey girl and Snarky one.
Teri
Snarkfest
Thanks Teri! And you are so right — it’s Margaritaville all the way for the IOA anthem.
I should have made a drinking game out of geographically placing the obscure nations in the opening ceremony. Oh wait, then I’d be in the ER.