OK, so I know that the last thing you all need is one more person writing about the Olympics. To boot, I have zero qualifications when it comes to organized sports. So my opinion means nothing.
However, if I may — I do have a few quick initial observations to share about the Games of the XXX Olympiad. Because one can’t rely on Bob Costas alone.
1) The Russians’ Secret Weapon
Who can I sue in the Russian Federation for the seizures I’m experiencing as a result of looking at their uniform jackets?
My eyes, they burn.
Remember those pictures from the 1990s when you’d stare long enough and you’d see another image? Like this?
I learned they are called autostereograms. And that’s what these jackets remind me of. Now, it might be a brilliant competitive distraction strategy, but it’s killing me in high definition on my couch at home.
2) Diversifying Bela Karolyi’s Skill Set
I’ve decided that I’d like to hire Bela Karolyi as my General Contractor. More for my personal entertainment value than for his qualifications. I’m reasonably convinced he can make things happen.
3) The Shawshank Effect
How about the Visa commercials with the Morgan Freeman voice over? Is it just me, or do they make you feel all Shawshank Redemption? The only thing I want Morgan Freeman to talk about — ever — is meeting his friend Andy on a Mexican beach after making parole. Perhaps they can incorporate that into the ad: “Parole — it’s everywhere you want to be. Go world.” Or something like that — let me come back to you with some more developed pitches soon.
4) The Independent Olympic Athletes = My Deficiency in Current Events
Did you see the five delegates for the Independent Olympic Athletes (let’s call them the IOA)? Or, like many of us, had you already lost the will to live by that point of the opening ceremony? I’m fascinated by this whole concept. Basically if your country has dissolved (Netherlands Antilles) or a new one has been formed (South Sudan), you’re going all IOA. And, apparently, you’re going to party your ass off at the opening ceremonies. Godspeed, I say.
But the bigger issue, for me personally, is not having known that an entire country dissolved. I missed that one. And yet somehow I’m fully up to speed on the finer points of Suri Cruise’s custody arrangement. I have to revisit my reading lists.
5) Olympic Village Hook Ups
How many STDs do you think emerge from two weeks in the Olympic Village? I mean — athletes in top physical shape, looking to relieve some stress, partying in glorified dorms away from home for two weeks. Just saying.
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The Olympic fun has just begun, my friends. I haven’t even started watching Shooting, Table Tennis or Badminton yet. If my retinas can hold off the long-term effects of those Russian jackets, there will be more to come. Stay tuned.