I Might Be Scared of These Families

It’s possible that I’m about to make some enemies.  But I’m sorry — can we talk about matching family outfits today?

To clarify, I don’t mean matching or coordinating your kids’ outfits with one other.  Fine, fine, that’s kind of cute. Until they are old enough to protest and then demand, perhaps through a Cease & Desist Order obtained on Legalzoom.com/sue-my-parents, a sweep of your photo hard drive.  And all Facebook images to which they did not consent.  And then they present you with a release form that must be used going forward for all electronic use of their likeness.

{Remember when it was easier just to burn embarrassing photos?}

So, the kids matching.  I get that. It’s not for me, but mainly because, frankly, I’m just not that organized.  And I  think my kids are already predisposed to suing me because of this blog.

What I really mean is family matching.  Parents and kids.  Together.

Oooooohhhhhh, that.

{Right about now, I’ve begun to lose readers.  But come on, stick with me here.}

Hanna Andersson, I’m looking at you.  Queen of the Family Matching Catalogs.

Image credit: Hanna Andersson

I have a few thoughts here.

1)  Yeah, yeah, I know, there’s a Christmas Pajama Loophole for people who don’t normally family-match.  I’ve heard this is the exception.  OK, I’ll buy that.  I do crazy shit around Christmas too.

2)  This dog is clearly way more subservient than my dog.  Because, as you may know, I have certain legal limitations I’m obligated to follow after his post-Halloween rant last year.  So, this would not cut it with a certain ornery pug who lives under my roof.

3)  Obviously the dad in this photo has recently been caught having a torrid affair.  Presumably, in the act.  Because there is no other logical reason, apart from extreme penance, why he would submit to this family matchery.  Oh wait, he’s just an actor?  In that case, can you imagine the fucking earful he just gave his agent after realizing what “holiday modeling” gig he was booked for?

4)  The kid on the left clearly knows about her dad’s affair — and possibly has damning proof that she’s holding onto as part of her pre-tween angst phase.  It’s evident that she has threatened to go public with said evidence unless her parents let her wear the non-stripe-set and spread her non-conformist wings.

5)  I just hope, for everyone’s sake, that the gift boxes behind the couch don’t contain matching formal wear for Christmas dinner.  But we all know that they do.

6)  How does the mom keep her hair color so fresh while raising five kids?

7)  Why did she have five kids with this guy if he was cheating on her?  Did she know all along, or just recently?

But what really got me started on this topic was the arrival of today’s Pottery Barn Kids catalog.  As you may have seen, I do love a good rant about the unattainable perfection of the PBK Catalog Family, and I refuse to let them live on my street.

Really, we all know it’s just me projecting my feelings of parental inadequacy brought on by PBK.  It’s the same reason I yell about Martha Stewart and Real Simple Magazine.

So I’m flipping through the Halloween section tonight {because, you know, let’s not get through mid-August without marketing Halloween}.  And there it is.

The Family Costume Section.

Can we just review the options for a minute?

Level One:  Generally harmless.  Completely silly, but harmless.

The Chef Family Costume:  Yeah, this is borderline OK.  I would still give you candy if you showed up at my door like this.  But we’re not hanging out at the next block party.

Image credit: Pottery Barn Kids

The Sushi Family Costume:  This is blue ribbon costume contest material right here.  If you enter family costume contests.  I just want to know if there’s a wasabi add-on if the kid starts behaving badly.

Image credit: Pottery Barn Kids

Level Two:  On the border of Crazytown

The Chicken Family Costume:  Vegan friends, beware.  You are not the target audience.  Hell, I am a happy consumer of eggs and I’m not even the target audience.  Because, PBK, I’m not going around my block dressed like a goddamned fried egg.  At least, for $69, dress me like Eggs Benedict.  Preferably with a side of lox.

Image credit: Pottery Barn Kids

Under the Sea Family Costume:  We’re starting to see some real female rage here.  Note that the mom is not even in costume.  She is so pissed at her husband (who looks eerily like our Hanna Andersson philanderer) that she has sent his ass out to manage the three kids trick-or-treating on his own.  While he wears a shark head and she splits four or five bottles of Pinot with her best girlfriends at the local bar.

Image credit: Pottery Barn Kids

Level Three:  Um.  I’m afraid of these people.  And not in a traditional Halloween way.

The Woodland Family Costume:  I am not often speechless.  But I’m going to let the official PBK description speak for itself on this one.  “Like characters from a storybook, these friendly woodland creatures come out of the forest to hunt for treats on Halloween night. Featuring faux fur and lush details, an owl and gnome watch over the group as they embark on their adventure. A sweet toadstool with a red cap springs out from the grass to join the fun. Wrapped in soft fleece, the little wily fox and baby owl stay warm in the crisp autumn weather.”  

Did you guys see the Olympic closing ceremonies?  Because I think the team who orchestrated that acid-laced mind trip stole the giant dose of illicit hallucinogenics from the PBK team in charge of this concept.

The Spooky Family Costume:  Well.  I think it’s pretty clear that these people will be filing for divorce imminently.  What else is left after this family photo?  In fact, see those smiles all looking with great anticipation in the same direction?  That’s the arrival of their lawyers in the driveway.

Image credit: Pottery Barn Kids

But, hey, don’t listen to me.  Because, as of tonight {again, in August}, the PBK website notes the above Dad-werewolf costume as “quantities are limited.”  Maybe because it includes paws.  For real.

I don’t know.  Maybe I haven’t thought this through.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been closed-minded.  I guess we would look good as Spooky Costume Family.  After all, the black witch costume is nice and slimming, and I wouldn’t have to wash my hair.  And let’s not rule out Under the Sea.  So I can sit at the bar and anticipate all the candy that comes home.

And before  you curse me out completely for my unfair outlook on family-matchery, I’ll leave you with this.

From Easter.

Shhhh — don’t tell my husband he was coordinating with our daughter.  Although I swear it wasn’t intentional, it seems that the subliminal seed has been planted.  The Woodland Family Costume could be just a matter of time for us.

As long as I get to be the gnome.