If only real life could be like the Pottery Barn Kids catalog. I’ve mentioned this before when venting some pent-up rage against the PBK bed that is bigger than my first Manhattan apartment. But it doesn’t end there. If you take a broader view, it might be nice to just slip into a day in the life of the PBK Catalog Family. If you don’t vomit first.
Take this simple display, for example. I have about 104 issues with this, but for the purposes of your sanity and my potential ongoing readership, I’ve narrowed it down to just a few highlights.
1. The Family Schedule. Here, what you can’t see clearly, because I didn’t enlarge the image enough, is the To Do List for the day. It lists groceries, dentist, vet appointment, art project, conferences and family time. PBK Catalog Mom clearly has her act together. My list, not printed on blue construction paper du’jour, but instead maybe on a dirty paper towel or crumpled Post It, goes more like this: return long overdue school forms, stock up on caffeine, re-hash latest episode of Revenge via texting, yell at General Contractor, cruise Pinterest and decide what the hell to make for dinner. Family time? But of course. As long as kids fighting over the last chocolate cookie counts.
2 a & b. The PBK Catalog Kids. I just can’t take it. Look how sweet, how participatory in life they are. The curious minds. The organization. Ready to tackle the sunshiny day ahead with their undoubtedly well-balanced, color-coded lunches packed away. Come. On. Who has time for this pointing and Family Q&A Session when surely you are running 10 minutes late for school again, and nobody can find their left shoe? What? Oh, that’s just my house?
3. The “Read” List. Let’s get all the classics up there, right? Here, it’s Us Weekly. And Twitter.
4. Let’s not miss our Sunday 1pm hike! Does that also count as Family Time? Is that why the kids are pointing? Maybe they feel duped. Or confused. Or perhaps resentful of their mother’s Type A over-scheduling that is depriving them of a childhood. And, where, pray tell, is the PBK hiking backpack and canteen set? These kids can’t just venture out into the woods without being fully outfitted and monogrammed.
5. Ugh, the Project Basket. What’s in there? Loom materials? Calculus flashcards? In my house, that basket would be labeled Small Annoying Toy Pieces From China That Don’t Seem To Fit With Anything And Then Multiply Overnight.
Maybe I should seek out other catalogs. Hanna Andersson is out, ever since I saw the matching family pajama concept. Does the Land End Family look more realistic? I’m open to suggestions. Because the PBK Catalog Family is clearly bringing out the worst in me. And if they move onto my block, I will not invite them over. Ever. Or at least not until I get my kids all monogrammed and ready.