Calgon, Where the Hell Did You Take Me?

School has now been closed for nine consecutive days in the post-Sandy mess that is my town.  And since I’m a betting woman, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’ll be rounded up to an even two weeks.

And then, yesterday, the Nor’easter.  We got some real snow here, which is just messing with my brain by sitting on Sandy-compromised, dangling tree limbs that loom near the fragile power lines.  The lights were flickering, as was my sanity.

If only I had Calgon to take me away.

Or so I thought — but be careful what you wish for.  Let me explain…

If you were a child of the 70s or 80s, you’ll remember the iconic “Calgon, take me away” commercials.

Yes?  Anyone?

Call me out of touch with faux-luxurious consumer bathing products, but I thought Calgon closed up shop years ago.  Probably right after the woman in the tub finished her hallucinogenic trip, was subsequently put on a psychiatric hold against her will — and then proceeded to sue Calgon for damages.

So I checked it out online {because, let’s be honest, it’s starting to feel like house arrest here and I have some time on my hands}.  And it appears I’m wrong.  Way wrong.

Calgon, it turns out, is not only up and running, but has recently launched its Sensual Collection.

What?

I’ll spare you the pain of going to their website — here’s the gist.

There is a whole line of products that have words like luminous, shimmering, mist, double mist {huh?} and of course sexy mist.  These also appear in French, presumably to make the products seem more seductive.  Unless France has secretly been keeping Calgon in business all these years.

Anyway, it’s a whole lot of misting and glowing. It seems shiny and slippery.  And a little scary — like a line-up of Love’s Baby Soft illegitimate children.

But wait.  Let’s not miss the best part — the fragrance names & descriptions.

WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. HAPPENING?  Is Calgon is trying to bring sexyback?

And, more importantly:  Where are the commercials for this new product line?  This is the real missed opportunity.

If Calgon is not going to produce them for my own personal entertainment value — and if SNL is not going to capitalize on this — well, then I’m forced to make them up in my head and share my artistic {read: wine-fueled} vision with you…

So the mom in the original commercials?  Yelling about being taken away?  I think in the 80s they were taking her to a meadow or an island or something.  While she appeared to bathe in the Parthenon.  Or in a champagne glass.

Now, instead of climbing into her calming bath, she applies four layers of shiny, shimmering, misting and glowing products, and becomes far too slippery to walk on a tile surface without a substantial risk of falling and sustaining a head injury.  Her Calgon Sensual Collection then transports her to either a strip club, a 50 Shades fan club gathering or a suburban swingers party.  Realizing that this is not what she signed up for, her domestic afternoon with whining kids doesn’t seem so bad after all.  But she can’t get back.  Because Calgon’s Sensual Collection is not messing around.  This is their big comeback, after all.

So she is trapped in her slippery, glowing skin at her unwanted Calgon destination, knowing that she will never be back in time for pre-school pick-up.  Or for that 2-for-1 sale on Swiffer refill packs that ends today.

Calgon, where the hell am I?

Calgon, you sonofabitch!

Take me back!

Calgonnnnnn!

To no avail.  Not until all that product wears off, anyway.  In about 72 hours.

* * * * *

Don’t worry, my brain will be back to normal soon.  I just need the faux house arrest to be lifted and school to open.