Pimp My Ride

The lease on my car is up next month, and so I find myself looking at what my next vehicle should be.  Given the amount of time I spend in my car, I feel like I’m shopping for a house.

Thankfully, my husband — the King of Research & Due Diligence — has narrowed our search down to approximately 26 different models based on our criteria.

And what are these criteria, you ask?  Well, of course we are looking for the typical things like safety, comfort, convenience and affordability.  And room to fit the expanding family.  But, really, I have a wish list of other features that are perhaps a little harder to come by.

And that’s where the search gets challenging.  What do you guys think of some of these features I’m hoping for?

Eyes in Back of Head Feature.  Like all moms, there is only so much of my kids’ shenanigans I can safely view in the sliver of the rear view mirror while driving.  So I’d like to upgrade to a model that gives me a full view of who really started it so I can respond accordingly.

Extending Limb Feature.  Mom, I dropped my {insert item here — book, snack, shoe, etc}.  Mom, can you hand me my {insert item here}?  Mom, I need to put my mittens on.  What I need is that extending robotic arm that can retrieve and distribute said items with precision and safety.  Also, if needed, the Extended Limb Feature can swat a misbehaving kid on the head who is seated in the third row — all without me taking my eyes off the road.

Time Suspension Feature.  This may be out of our price range but it’s a worthwhile investment, in my opinion.  On the 365 days a year I am running late, I would simply activate this feature, which would set all clocks back to a desired interval in order for me to appear to reach my destination on time.

Snack Mold Disintegration Feature.  You know how you find remnants of old snacks and — gasp — sippy cups of milk tucked under the seats, maybe weeks later?  No worries.  My new car will swiftly locate such items and prevent mold from forming.  I know you want to carpool with me now, don’t you?

Music Ban Feature.  Certain overplayed artists make me want to hit a tree and are, therefore, unsafe for my driving experience.  With this feature, my car will pre-emptively detect and block any and all music by Taylor Swift and Adele, for starters.  I will add to this list over time, but these are the primary safety essentials.

Eject to Time Out Feature.  This is really reserved for top-of-the-line vehicles — I need to save up to make it part of my next ride.  As tempting as it can be every now and again, we all know that you can’t safely eject an annoying child from the vehicle.  BUT, what if — with the push of a button — you could have a misbehaving kid’s seat repositioned to a time out spot in the car?  Why I’m not working in vehicular R&D is a mystery to me.

Husband Navigation Lock Feature.  It’s true that many cars have navigation systems, but do husbands ever use them?  Notsomuch. Their DNA forces them to resist.  So, what if navigation was automatically locked in the ON position when the car detects your husband in the driver’s seat?  And, what if that navigation was programmed to a voice he would listen to?  I mean, he will tune out the annoying standard navigation voice, but if, say, Bob Costas was giving him directions — he might actually stay on course.

So that’s what I’m looking for in my next car.  Just a few extra conveniences.

I’m not sure why every dealership says I’m so picky.  I think, next time, we will do a three-hour test drive with a car salesman and my two kids — and then we’ll see if I’m still being “unrealistic.”