Secrets & Lies

I decided that I should start out 2013 on the blog by coming clean.  Because there are some things I’ve been keeping from all of you.

One big thing, really.

 

No, we did not order a tadpole online.  I know the photo isn’t great, so let me spell it out.

Yes, coming in June:  Chaos, Party of Five.

I’m pretty impressed with myself that I’ve kept this under wraps for 17 weeks.  And, while I’m at it, here are the other secrets that go along with it.

Essentially, if I’ve talked to you in person in the last three to four months, you should know that these things were all happening:

1) I almost vomited on you.

2) I probably fell asleep at some point in our conversation.

3) I seriously considered stealing any food you were holding right out of your hands.

Because the first trimester was pretty much like being simultaneously narcoleptic, carsick and starving.  24/7.  I was in a constant fight with myself over whether I was going to throw up or eat my own hand.  But then I’d fall asleep mid-thought until this cycle repeated itself every six minutes of the day.

So, those are my secrets.

There were also lies.

Mainly, any and all ongoing references to alcohol consumption.  Lies.

Obviously.

That was just my feeble attempt to not totally blow my cover.  {And this is where we could debate how sad it is that not having a glass of wine nearby would easily sell me out.}

So I’m a fraud, basically.  I’ve been stripped of my wine glass and weaned down to one normal-sized cup of regular coffee a day.

As for life without wine, the truth is this:  Every time I am pregnant {and this is my third ride on this Carousel of Madness}, my body develops a strong aversion to wine.  As in, I can smell it from across the room and I am repulsed by its existence.

This is what is known as Divine Intervention.  And this is what allowed me to get through things like Hurricane Sandy, the chaos of the holiday season and the release of the new Taylor Swift album without consuming alcohol.

You should know by now that I’m not what you’d call a religious blogger, per se.  But I think I just offered you proof of God’s existence.  If you’re looking for that sort of thing.

There it is.  Now it is all out there.

{Except for the part where my husband said he’d leave me if I had twins.  But don’t worry, it’s just one baby.  Which is good, since him moving out over the Christmas holiday would have been awkward.}

We might be a little crazy to have a third child.  I am considered — according to the very prominent red letters stamped across my medical file — Advanced Maternal Age.  If you missed the incessant reminders back in May, I turned 40.  I will be 41 when I deliver.  For those of you not trained in the medical field, that’s apparently the equivalent of about 113 in fertility years.

And my husband is older than I am.  I can’t talk specifics, because it’s not really polite to disclose another person’s age.  I am classy like that, so I will just give you a range.  He is currently somewhere between 45 and 47.

Yeah, we did all that math about how old we’ll be when this kid graduates from high school.  We crunched the horrific numbers about the cost of college.  And we discussed the concept of retirement {retire-WHAT?}.

But, at the end of the day, it was really the simplest math of all that spoke to us:

4 + 1 = 5.

You may accuse me of doing this for blog fodder.  I mean, it’s true — it does provide for really some good material.  But as much as I like all of you, I’m not sacrificing any remaining definition of my waistline merely for your personal entertainment.  For bacon cravings, yes.

Or, you can say I’m always trying to keep up with the Kardashians.  Or copy Duchess Kate.  But I’m due before both of them, so let’s just be clear:  This was my idea first.  Minus the media sensation part.

It was none of that.  We just wanted one more passenger on our journey to Crazytown.

And we’re really excited.

So, stay tuned.  I am feeling much better now.  I won’t throw up on you and I probably can stay awake through our conversation.

But, be warned:  I am still going to steal that food right out of your hands.

 

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Comments

  1. amy says:

    Mazel Tov!!!! I was 40 when I had my 8 yr old. A lot of fun but they keep you young. Or that is what everyone was telling me.

  2. Tracie says:

    I am 44 now and have a three year old- she was our fourth and a surprise!! It was all worth it… she completely keeps me young and I love it!!!
    My other kids are much older and they are great with her. She has added an entirely new level of crazy to our family, but I would not have it any other way!
    Congrats and enjoy!!!

  3. CONGRATULATIONS! I cannot wait to see your spin on my almost exact situation.

    Just turned 40, had that third baby that tips the scales, from kids being cute and FUN to HOLY HELL what HAPPENED in here??

    IF your family is anything like mine, and I PRAY for you that it’s not, expect LESS invitations to places, and expect to be HAPPY about that. Hold on to those maternity pants. Stress eating replaces stress drinking….starting NOW. Enjoy!

    • fordeville says:

      I have total & complete confidence that we will never be invited anywhere ever again. Expect more blog posts because I will probably never leave the house.

  4. Anna says:

    Woo hoo – such exciting news! Congrats!
    Anna recently posted…How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as PossibleMy Profile

  5. Congratulations!! I was 41 when I delivered my last one. All I did was worry and kept asking the doctor, “Is he okay, is he okay?” Today at 18 months, he is an adorably sweet, smart ball of energy and hugs. I wish you the best and hope everything goes super well!!
    Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted…10 Post-Holiday Murphy’s Laws: Decorating EditionMy Profile

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks Kathy. I specifically remember reading your post being pregnant with your youngest — I read it a few months ago when I was either thinking about another child or newly pregnant. It resonated with me so much.

  6. Karen says:

    I turn 40 in a couple of months. We tried for that third one and she decided she was such a split personify that she might as well be two people. We got our identical twin girls four years ago. That pregnancy was a wild ride! Enjoy your last few months with two kids and congrats on the third!

  7. Teri says:

    Congrats!!! And I HATE when they refer to a pregnancy over the age of 35 a ‘geriatric pregnancy’. It makes me wanna hit someone in the head with a stapler. And I’ll be more than happy to take care of that wine for you during this time. You’re welcome. ;)
    Teri recently posted…Snarkfest’s Top 5 Blog Posts of 2012My Profile

    • fordeville says:

      Kind of you to watch over my wine stash — thank you! I know it will be in good hands.
      Oh and can I borrow your stapler? I have a few recipients in mind.

  8. Meredith says:

    Kim, I’m so happy for you! Congrats! Party of Five sounds perfect. Also love that you have the Divine Intervention re: wine aversion. I had the same thing and let’s just say–praise God!
    Meredith recently posted…To the Point of IrrelevenceMy Profile

  9. Tamara says:

    Wow, wow, wow!!! Congratulations!

    I am so happy for you!

    !!

    Enjoy your trip to Crazytown. :)

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks! To reference a great song from people even older than me, it’s going to be a long, strange trip…

  10. Jessica says:

    I’m so excited for you and will totally marry you if it turns out to be twins, I miss having two babies at once :) .
    Jessica recently posted…The Supermom MythMy Profile

    • fordeville says:

      It’s definitely just one baby (trust me, I stalked the ultrasound tech). But I always have a sister wife spot for you here!

  11. Luisa says:

    Am days away from having my second and I am also over the 40 – enjoy enjoy enjoy!

  12. Tracy says:

    The real question is- was Senor consulted or compensated/bribed?

    • fordeville says:

      This is an excellent point and one that my husband and I have discussed.
      We haven’t told Senor yet. I fear he will pack one of those hobo bags (stick with bandana, over the shoulder) and move out forever.

  13. How exciting! Congrats all over the place!
    I must say I’m a teeny bit jealous. My husband and I went back and forth contemplating a 3rd for a LONG time. He is still so on board that all I would have to do it say the word. If my other two conceptions were a testament to how fertile I am, I could be pregnant by breakfast. But, our other two are 7 and 11 and I would practically be starting over! As much as I like the idea of a party of 5, I think I’m going to have to be content with our little family of 4.
    So excited to follow your blog throughout this journey. I know it’s going to be a stitch!
    Meredith @ The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears recently posted…The Day I Turned Into Chopped LiverMy Profile

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks Meredith!
      I’m sure that after a few tales of sheer chaos beyond measure on my end, you’ll feel pretty secure in your decision :)

  14. Erica says:

    Many congratulations, Kim with love & best wishes! My grandmother was 45 when she had her youngest child!! On the flip side, one of my friend’s paternal grandmother became a grandma at 40 and her maternal grandmother became a grandma at 39! ; )

    • fordeville says:

      Thanks so much Erica!
      I hadn’t considered that I am old enough to be a grandmother. Now, *that* would be a hell of a blog post.

  15. Luckiest baby ever. I’m so happy for you, Kim. Party of Five sounds great. xo
    Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…Old Timey Parenting in a New Age World.My Profile

    • fordeville says:

      Thank you Bethany :)
      You’re a pro with this kids-outnumbering-parents gig, so can I just send one of mine to you for a weekend if I get overwhelmed? Okthanks.

  16. Congratulations! I was 37 when I had son #2. I absolutely loved the visit to the perinatologist. That was the ultrasound for the “pregnant old lady.” I sure wish I’d thought to grab the stapler then. We thought about trying for a girl, but realized we had trouble keeping up with the two boys we had and the 3rd child just might be another boy…. Hubby was still game, but since he does little else besides hold the couch down, he was overrulled. Of course, God may still have a 3rd one planned for us (Heaven help me).

    My Divine Intervention was cigarettes – thank goodness.
    Francie@EscovedoEscapades recently posted…What the Heck WednesdayMy Profile

  17. Mariah in Louisiana says:

    Congratulations and best wishes! Can’t wait to hear about all the pregnancy and baby-related stuff in your life!

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