The Cyber Monday Virgin Report

You guys, I’m a little scared.

I’m scared that if I move my eyes off of this computer screen, they will begin to suffer withdrawal spasms and not be able to focus on actual real-life things that aren’t preceded by a blinking cursor or surrounded by the words SALE, TODAY ONLY, or CART.

I blame Cyber Monday.

It was my first time really embracing it, and I think I got a little carried away.

I never cared about Cyber Monday before. Pffffft. People, please. I have spent years pretending to be a writer on the Internet. I know how to waste hours at a time in front of a laptop. I don’t need an incentive to stray from any remaining shred of domestic responsibility.

But I had one big item I wanted to buy for my husband – and since I rarely come up with a good gift idea for him before December 23, I had to act on it. The thought of dragging a two year-old to any retail destination during the holiday season brought up feelings of terror and despair, so I figured I’d just have a look-see on the Target website to get what I needed. I’d be done in five minutes, tops.

I’m not a LOL kind of girl, but this might have to be an exception.

Over the next few (two? three? seven? space and time got weird) hours, here is a sampling of the thoughts that went through my head:

  • Oh, well, Target’s website crashed. I guess it’s not meant to be.
  • How many open browsers is too many to compare prices? 8? 12? Plus my phone? OK and the iPad?
  • Holy shit, this is sort of addictive.
  • My wrist doesn’t normally hurt. Is Sudden Onset Holiday Carpal Tunnel is a thing? I would Google it, but I don’t want to close my Toys R Us, Best Buy, Amazon or windows.
  • Seriously, the Target site is still down?
  • Is there a closet couponer deep in my soul?
  • “Oops, something went wrong?” Huh? Target, that’s not how you tell grown humans who are missing real-life obligations in order to score a deal that your site is messed up today. Remember when “Expect more” was your jam? How do we get back to those days?
  • Did I somehow skip lunch? What time is it?
  • Why do I never know my passwords? And who set up these security questions about the mascot of my middle school? That was 1986 – I don’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning.
  • Who am I shopping for again? Who needs a gift? What else can I get? Who is my holiday grab bag person? How many teachers are in my life this year?
  • Oh, hold the fuck up. I need those boots. Merry Christmas to me!
  • Where the hell is the Cyber Monday Groupon code for the nearest massage to fix this wrist pain?
  • Exclusions apply? What exclusions? Areyoukiddingme?
  • My cart is empty? What do you mean, the item is no longer available? DAMN IT, TARGET!
  • Do we have any Visine in the house?
  • Is Monday almost over?
  • Is it normal to see images of shopping carts when I close my eyes?


Screenshot 2015-11-30 23.30.41


I think I get it now, the whole Cyber Monday thing.

The thrill of the chase is pretty great, especially when one can be seated firmly on one’s ass during said chase. Win/win. In the end, I got about 50% of my holiday shopping done, with only short-term damage to my retinas and wrist.

Too bad I never got the item for my husband, although my new boots should be here tomorrow.


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  1. Diana Pratt says:

    Hysterical !!!


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