We All Need Some Bela Karolyi in Our Lives

So the Olympics are winding down, and I’m not really sure how to re-acclimate myself to regular television programming.  Everything is going to seem like such a let down without a gold medal on the line.  Or without trying to guess the gender of some of the athletes.  The good news is that I can look at the Internet during the day without fear of Spoiler Rage.

Like many, I have been drawn to the women’s gymnastics most of all.  We’ll go back to that in a minute.  Because I don’t want you to think that I didn’t have a well-rounded Olympic viewing experience.

I mean, what would the XXX Olympiad be without the shenanigans of Ryan Lochte, his one-night stands (as told by his mom, no less) and his gold medal grill?  It’s nice to have a role model for our kids.

Speaking of role models, how about the fine Judo competitor who was disqualified for a failed drug test?  Not for steroids.  But for pot.  Oh and he’s from this neck of the woods — our new hometown hero.  But don’t worry, he says the positive test was “caused by my inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana”

Of course it was.  I always inadvertently eat pot-laced food.  It’s really just dumb luck.  Can happen to anyone.

And then there’s good old Ann “I Won’t Go Quietly” Curry.  I saw this tweet from Al Roker yesterday, and I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t a desperate cry for help.  If you read between the lines, I think you’ll see that his message was something like “Who the hell let her in?  Someone call security before she kills Matt on live TV.”

But let’s get back to women’s gymnastics, because I have some important thoughts here.

–The mockery of the gymnasts’  hair has been well-covered territory.  The scrunchies.  The shellac product.  The glitter.  What a train wreck.  But maybe I’m being too judgmental.  Remember, if you will, I have a daughter whose hair often resembles Nick Nolte’s mugshot.  So there may be a lesson in there for me.

We can turn this.

Into this.

Pure Olympic magic.

–Oh, McKayla Maroney.  It’s terrible that you missed that vaulting gold.  I was crushed for you.  But don’t you, for one minute, try to trademark that medal podium scowl as your own.  My kids have been pulling that unimpressed/totally pissed off look for years.  You better come and see me for copyright issues before we have a problem.

–Tim Daggett, the long-time gymnastics commentator.  Also known as Tim Daggett, Voice of Doom.  I should have made a drinking game out of the number of times he said any of the following:  Catastrophic.  Tragic.  Unrecoverable.  Note to NBC:  Next time there is, God forbid, a human tragedy story, forget Matt Lauer or even Brian Williams.  You get Tim Daggett on that.  Stat.

–This brings me to my personal favorite part of every Summer Olympics.  Bela Karolyi.  I mentioned in my last post that I want him to be my General Contractor for his, shall we say, can-do attitude.  But, upon further reflection, I think I was underselling Bela.  He’s like that jolly old uncle in every family who is a little crazy.  And perhaps a little drunk.  So while I would love for Bela to come here and oversee my next home renovation project for the sake of efficiency, technical difficulty scores and execution, I think we could all use a little Bela in our lives.  The man makes things happen.

Consider the possibilities.

Bela the Local Bartender

Bela the PTA President

Bela the Religious Cult Leader

Bela the Zumba Instructor

Bela the Unlikely US Presidential Candidate

Bela the Marriage Counselor

Bela the Substitute Host for Inside the Actors Studio

It’s true — Bela is a national treasure.  I can hardly wait to see him in action in Rio 2016.

So, now that gymnastics is over, I am throwing my support behind the remaining events, like track & field, synchronized swimming and diving — though that one gives me extreme vertigo {much like the Russian uniform jackets}.

As for the closing ceremonies, anything is possible.  With my luck, it will be an Adele marathon.  With Ann Curry crashing center stage.